Minutes from the 9th Congress

1030 - CA & EH arrive at City Spa and learn that co-ed hours now begin at 2pm. This is deemed acceptable, but also kind of annoying. Mr Eric is recognized by Mario and is pleased, but can't resist trying to be called Helin. Mario takes no notice of this.

1040 - First circuits. The heat is good, and EH is finding that his four month absence from the hot room has lowered his tolerance, but only slightly. As promised, the contents of EH's earthquake kit are reviewed and found to be in good order. The only outstanding item is firepower, and great debate ensues over the merits of handguns, shotguns, nunchucks, close-combat and the reality of different disaster scenarios.

1050 - A dip in the pool and both men aren't yet ready to race. Taking this one slowly.

11 - A long, Finnish heat in which is discussed swamp coolers, the soaring price of window treatments, and the potential of a series of shorts penned by EH called "Notes for My Maid." CA attaches himself to the project.

1125 - The first and only race of the day. 50m breast stroke. Winner EH by an arm.

1135 - Conditions on the roof are observed and found to be pleasant enough for a short pre-lunch sun. The Enterprise Room at the Vegas Hilton is detailed. It's agreed that three balds licking some sort of tinctured serum off the backs of their hands is worthy of zooming the spy cams in on, but not worthy of action by the security guards. It's also agreed that the end of the American empire could be well established with a long camera pull starting at the steel, talking enterprise urinals, continuing through the Enterprise Room, the Hilton, the street, Las Vegas, and so on.

1150 - Another circuit. Clean, forgiving.

1230 - Rooftop lunch of sandwiches from the Mustard Seed and Arrogant Bastard beers. Full sun and a light breeze make conditions perfect. CA wonders how the transition from ed to co-ed will be made, propose an employee with vague and unpleasant hand gestures to come through saying, "Shorts, guys. Get em on. Don't have em? Gotta go." The voice is crucial to the impact of this character. CA details a horrible Craigslist advertising experience, but per his preference, finds a happy(ish) ending for the story.

115 - The last circuits taken. Finnish, pool, steam.

2 - Congress convened, considered extremely successful.

Minutes from the 8th Congress

9am CA arrives, referred to as Mr Allen by Mario. The day begins wonderfully.

905 TN arrives. The membership is, sadly, completely convened. TN and CA discuss forgotten impliments. TN forgot his new hat, CA forgot his new gloves. TN borrows a hat and the men head to the heat.

915 First circuits. TN finds he has to "sneak up on the heat" in short increments. The present Russians estimate the heat at about 200-210. "Not so hot." Wednesday apparently is the day to come if you like it hot. 250 they say. Sounds impossible to this Saunamen, as you may remember that men were literally melting skin at 230 at last years' Championships, but the Russians say Wednesday, you get 250.

945 CA enters debate with friendly Russian as to the greatness of America. It's agreed that though America has its problems, the country is founded on strong principals and is, indeed, great.

1030 CA gives TN a plaitza, and gloveless, rips his hands to shreds. (See above post)

1050 TN gives CA a plaitza. Observing Russians order TN to beat CA "like it's 1560 Europe and he has just claimed that God does not exist."

11 Pooltime plaitza reviews: CA and TN agree they might have used too much water on the brooms, which both made them heavy and unwieldy as well as put too much moisture into the air in the hot room. Otherwise, the men are satisfied, except for the fact that CA has literally ripped skin off his hands in this process.

11:15 CA gets Bennington updates from TN in the steam room, and it's agreed that those motherfuckers under-use their diplomas in such a manner as to cause anger.

11:30 TN bids farewell and CA retires to the sundeck on a perfect 75 degree day to eat delicious sweet potato cakes with spiced yogurt and play a $600 ukulele with professional skill and style.

12:15 CA takes a final heat in the Finnish room, and is dismayed by the so-called "Melted Man" who is often present at City Spa. This is an older Jew, possibly Russian, who stands about 5 foot 3 and moves slowly through the spa and keeps to himself. Though thoroughly unpleasant to look at, Melted Man has never caused incident, until now, when CA in a deep state of bliss had to listen to him spit in the Finnish Sauna. Not big hawks, but more like he had sesame seeds stuck on his tongue and was getting rid of them one by one. After four of these, CA looked up and tried to meet Melted Mans eyes for a disapproving glower, but Melted Man was eyes down the whole time. Evidence of the spit could not be seen, and it was guess that Melted Man was actually spitting somewhere on his own disgusting body.

12:45 CA takes leave and the Congress (can it be called that?) is recessed.

Bad News from the Ritz Carlton

Went for a heat after my swim yesterday and the sauna was at 155. 155! I threw some water on the rocks, but it was futile. I made for the steam room, which is a fine way to soothe tired muscles, but as we all know doesn't invigorate like a nice sauna.

I had two too many beers last night, and at this altitude (7500'), that's a problem. I'd love to head down to the sauna and sweat that out, but what happens if I get there and they're posting 155 again? In this situation, a steam is the absolute wrong way to go. I'd just boil that booze inside my body.

I'm really in the thick of it here, guys. Letters of support appreciated.

Good News from the Ritz-Carlton

It's often joked that your friend Clay has one of the best of the "White Man's Problems," a phenomenon recognized and named by LASA member EH as being so ultimately inconsequential but nevertheless complained about. Mine is that the sauna in the Gentleman's Locker at the Ritz-Carlton Bachelor Gultch isn't hot enough.

And truth be told to readers of this fine blog, it isn't. 160 is not enough heat. The room is way too big for 160, too. The benches are low, the ceiling is high. 160 will never do.

But be glad, dear sauna enthusiasts, the Ritz-Carlton has addressed the situation. I went in today to find temps at a much more reasonable 180 and the door fitting tight as a drum. The room is still too big, the benches are still too low, but within ten minutes, I was pouring sweat, and that worked for me.

Thanks, Ritz-Carlton! You've officially got

a GOOD HEAT!

Minutes from LASA 7th Congress

9:20 CA and EH arrive and check in. CA is given locker number 1 + Michael Jordan, EH is given 1 + the unluckiest number in the world.

9:30 First circuits taken. Blistering heat in the Russian Room. CA wins the first swim race, 100m crawl.

9:40 In the second heat, a massive leak from the ceiling is noticed. The bucket catching the water is brackish. The ceiling above is bowed. This isn't good. Conversation turns to the excesses of the advertising industry and EH's inability to successfully plan his life around these excesses.

9:45 Same heat, CA gets into first ever argument with foreign national, an older gentlemen (not Russian) who had been spotted at the 6th congress with the door open waving out the heat. Attempting the same maneuver, CA calls him out, saying, "If it's too hot, sit lower." The old guy counters with "It's not the heat, it's the steam. It's too moist in here." And to this, CA admits he might be wrong. Too much moisture in that room isn't right. So he opens the door for the old bastard and excuses himself to the pool. EH wins the next race, a rematch of the 100m crawl.

10 The third heat is full of Russians. The foreign national complains again to Sergei about the heat, and now it seems like it's the heat that he's complaining about. Sergei claims the guys getting plaitzas wanted more, and they get to call the shots. But then Sergei backtracks, and says he'll open the door for the guy if he wants. And even though this debate is happening in English, neither EH nor CA can really make heads or tails as to what it's about or who's winning.

1030 The Finnish sauna boasts an "improvement:" a rock-panel wall around the sauna oven, unfinished. It looks terrible and seems to serve no real purpose. In talk about this, a long-time patron of City Spa chimes in with some wonderful history. It includes some detail of when the ceiling in the Russian Room was last done (recently) and when the hot tub was redone, and also some facts about an inspection conducted when his family's insurance brokerage was looking into providing for the City Spa. The owner is painted as a nice guy, but who has a misguided way of keeping up facilities. Interesting note: City Spa's recent water bill went from 9K to 30K. Imagine.

11 EH's Mormons are ruining the kids from UTEP, and this brings joy. No rooftop congress called for rain and time purposes, and so a tour of rain-catching buckets is made. There are more than should be reported. EH has a lot of plans for the Game Room, such serious meetings to be held, but such a lacking membership with which to hold them.

11:30 Another heat circuit is taken, and unfortunately the pool is too crowded for racing.

11:45 The day of heat ends with a long cook in the steam room. All is quiet and well.

12:10 CA and EH watch the Mormons stomp the Texans for a time, shower and dismiss the congress at 12:30.

Attended:

CA

EH

Absent with call:

TN

All other members not considered for attendance.

Minutes from the Awaited 6th Congress

Delayed for months, the 6th Congress was finally convened, and it proved to be one of intimidating innovation and all-around freshness.

9:05 EH and CA arrive, enjoying the euphoric effects of the Chalet Harvest, and take a first heat. In the first swim races, EH wins the half lap crawl by a hair. EH proposes a parallel blog to GOOD HEAT called "GOOD TEMPS" or "G TMPS" which is meant to cater to the Twitter/Facebook crowd. The motion passes.

9:15 TN and Initiate Jason arrive and to CA and EH's great surprise (email confusion). A true congress is convened.

9:50 CA prepares for a plaitza to be given by TN and both are given incredible instruction by the Russians. It started with a tall, 50ish patron and then advanced to Sergei, aka, the Bear, chiming in and demonstrating whacks. It's the first real inside information the group has ever received. This is breakthrough territory.

The Russian way to give a plaitza

You need the mat, and the mat needs two sheets. Why two? So you don't miss the feat. Then, right before you lay down, you sprinkle cold water on the sheets. Heaven.

You also need a half bucket of cold water. Also (and we knew this, but it bears mentioning) gloves and a hat. The plaitzee also gets a cold towel over his head.

Then, prime the ovens. As Sergei told TN, "You can't move heat that's not there."

During the plaitza, be sure to turn the broom over frequently to keep it from a) getting too hot and b) drying out.

Then, there are all sorts of moves to do, but the basic is to put the heat into the body and then go up and down just over the skin and move the heat there. There's also the resting of the broom on various parts of the body, there's the light massage, the light touch, the cold water sprinkle, the double barrel, the big beat down, etc.

10 EH wins the second race, the breast stroke lap, by a hand. CA and EH abide in the Nordic sauna, while TN and IJ get some steam and some more big heats.

11 After some more circuitry, TN preps for his plaitza to be given by CA. There are no Russians present to give notes.

1130 Rooftop congress is convened. TN and IJ come through with a cooler full of incredible jugs of cold beer and some fennel slaw, while CA brings half sandos to the table. Debate ranges around VBN offerings, including the Harrison Morris show Pharmacopia, the events of All Hallow's Eve, last evening's alcohol consumption and EH's support of "Everyday Drinking" by Kingsley Amis, CA's prison story (as told by TN), and IJ's deeply unfortunate fear of public waters. This leads to talk of hot tubs, and IJ proposed a notion of Hot Tubsmen. EH took a wrench out his kit bag, gave it and turn, and we were given"Hot Springsmen," a notion considered tempting by all. There is talk about the weakness of the club membership and how that is standing in the way of potential greatness. There is weariness in the voices of CA and EH, but TN is is a bouying presence, and his energy is considered critical to the club.

1250 EH notices a distinct lack of interest by the Russians in college football. After turning the channel to check a score, a half hour later the station would be returned to a Russian soap opera.

1 The final circuits are taken and TN and CA realize that they made a great faux pas in not cleaning up after their respective plaitzas. It's a mistake they'll only make once.

115 The final swim race is judged by IJ. It's meant to be a middle distance race at two and a half laps of breast stroke, but it ends up being a longer spring. EH wins by a forearm.

130 TN shows up in the Nordic sauna wearing a sharp looking suit of clothes. He's there to say goodbye, but quite unintentionally, he winds up making a strong case for the dinner jacket.

2 Congress is adjourned.

ATTENDED

CA

EH

TN + Initiate Jason

ABSENT with reason, but really boring reasons

JS

CB

ABSENT with real questions now being raised about any legitimacy of their intentions and one missed congress away from ending up in the following category.

DN

JN

AG

PERMANENTLY EXPELLED FROM CLUB ROSTER (official letter pending)

Tom Hamling

Death at the Championships

It's unsettling to say the least. This year at the World Sauna Championships in Finland the two finalists, Russian Vladimir Ladyzhenskiy and Finn Timo Kaukonen both literally melted their skin in the 230 hot room.

230's really hot, and I've been in 230, and that's what's scary. But I don't think I've come close to melting my skin. But it's given me a lot to think about.

I guess in the end, the world of the sauna is not meant for competition. It's actually quite the opposite of what it's all about. This is a world of relaxation and restoration. The point is to listen to your body. The point of big heat like that is to touch your limit - not push it to the point of melting skin.

They've called a stop to the Championships, which is the right thing to do. But it probably never should have been started in the first place.

This guy, Rick Reilly, has the best piece on it. He's a former competitor and sports writer for ESPN.

Also, the gruesome photos embedded in Reilly's article of the melted Russian - I'd skip them if I were you.

Century Spa - the end of a boycot

When we last checked in about Century Spa, the Koreatown megaplex with incredible heat and a terrible cruising problem, I think we left it at a letter that read "If you don't deal with this problem I'm never coming back."

Well, that changed when Tom Hamling sent me a gift certificate to the joint. It looks like our July congress is not going to happen due to summer travel plans and this past Monday, I got then yen for some heat. So I grabbed my hat and hoped for the best.

The gift certificate was in Korean, but it looked like it entailed some service. When I arrived, the lady behind the desk said "Body Scrub or Massage." I chose body scrub. I was a little pressed for time, and that procedure took just 30 minutes. Also, I've never had one but have heard good reviews. The Russians do it, the Koreans do it. Now it was my turn.

I took some heat and talked to a one-armed black dude called Lorenza. He was in his late 60s, early 70s, and we formed a bond over the superior quality of heat in the Korean Mist Room. We talked heavy weight boxing and Dallas, Texas. I was off to a good start.

I was fetched by my body scrubber and taken to a back area of three tables. I was instructed to lay ass to the sky and was loofahed by the gentleman for some time. I was turned over and the procedure was repeated on my front.

Now, let's make it clear that I've always been comfortable with nudity. I went to a boys camp where you had to learn to deal with it. I'm glad I did. I'm fine with nudity.

That said, when I get a heat, I take a towel with me. I stay covered when I can, just out of both courtesy and simple modesty. There are gents who walk the grounds totally nude, and that's fine, but I like to play it different.

Now, I was lying totally naked on my back for an extended period of time with a Korean gentleman working me over with a loofah. I was out of my zone. So I came up with some mental images that helped me, and I'll share them with you now in case you ever find yourself in a similar situation.

I pretended I was an ancient warrior, and I pretended my body was a bit less than twice the size it actually is -- I was thinking I was about 9 feet tall, about 300 pounds of pure muscle. I also pretended the Korean gentleman was about half the size he actually was - maybe about 4 feet tall, and 65 pounds. He was working on me before an important battle, purifying my skin and my body before it was awash in blood and horror. This scenario was, of course, animated thusly:

This helped a lot.

Then he washed under my balls, and all I could think was "Wow. You can pay a Korean guy to wash under your balls." I thought about the guy and his family, I thought how his kids might think of him, how I would think of him if I were his kid. Work is work, but taint washing, even if it's only for a second, is a tough nut to swallow. This made me kind of sad, so I went back to the first scenario and felt much better.

I was released and told to sit in the heat for five minutes. We were at about 20 minutes, so I figured I was going to get a top coat and that would be that. But when I returned, I was coated in oil and given a half hour massage. It was a good massage, but again, when I was turned dick-up, I had to fashion my Spirited Away world, which took some energy. But a good massage none-the-less, a far cry from the Korean-lady-walking-on-your-back treatment that I've gotten at this place. When I was again released, an hour had passed and I was going to be well later getting home than I'd informed E.

When I was paying, I looked at the list of services and realized that Tom Hamling had been gifted "Body Scrub / Oil Massage." Neither the "/" nor the "oil" had translated. It had been a surprise, and I was okay with it.

In the end, I think Century is back on the table. You have to pick your times and your spots, but that Mist Room is too good to miss, and $20 is a deal. I'll probably flipflop on this later, but for now, count me in (occasionally).

Minutes from the LASA 5th Congress

Minutes from LASA's A Good 5th Congress

9:30 EH and CA arrive. The guy who works the door in the morning recognizes them and doesn't ask for their names. A huge victory.

9:45 Founder's heat. Sauna at about 215-220. Spirits high in anticipation of USA v Ghana World Cup match. The Russian side is inquired after, and is said to be in disarray, with all the good talent being here in the US. "Here" seems to be said with disgust, even though here is where we are all sitting. Still, the mood is light.

9:50 First swim race: Lap of freestyle, taken by Helin by inches. Second race, length breast stroke, taken by Helin by a foot.

10 In the Finnish room, it's agreed that this heat, the long, even, Scandinavian heat is the day's favorite. Sure, the Russian room is unbeatable on any number of levels, but it's the Finnish heat after the hot room and pool that hits all the notes and forges forgiveness in a man's bones.

10:30 Women's track and field in the locker room gets people excited for the game.

10:45 EH's final heat before his appointment with May. Third swim race, lap breast stoke, Helin wins by inches.

11 TN arrives, CB is three minutes behind. CA and TN take a heat, agree to plaitza each other. A new revolution is formed.

11:20 The revolution comes to pass. TN plaitzas CA with an expert's hand bringing about total revitalization. The Russians are impressed with TN's technique, and tip LASA off to the use of gloves for the plaitza-er.

11:35 CB is deep into the LA Weekly, and he's feeling great about it.

11:40 After a dip in the pool, CA plaitzas TN, who takes an incredible amount of heat into his body via the venik. This is the way the day is supposed to work.

12 CA takes his shift with May, EH returns, hamstrings worked into jelly.

1 Rooftop Luncheon, beet salad, beers, komboocha served. CB makes good on not eating any of it. Rescind letters are again brought up, and this time, DN's name is added to the list of possibles. It's agreed that Rescind Letters should be hand-delivered, and CB offers to hire a PA for the job. A minute into extra time, Ghana takes a 1-2 lead, and holds it. US defeated, but mood at schvitz still light.

1:15 CB begs off.

1:45 Another round of heat, ending in the steam. It's agreed that there's something about the day that has brought LASA members into some of the deepest states of tranquility ever experienced.

2:15 Congress adjourned.

Attended

CA

EH

TN

CB

Absent with Excuse

JS

AG, though this might be the last time, barring continued medical excuse

The orange eating boy, to EH's delight

Absent with a weak "It's complicated...."

DN

Membership Rescinded (letter pending)

TH

Minutes from the LASA 4th Congress: Founder's Day

LASA 4th Congress, May 29, 2010

9:45 - CB phones EH to beg off the congress for sickness. CA and EH agree that CB has made a terrible mistake, and that without the assistance of the heat, his piss-pot immune system will keep that head cold rattling around for two weeks. A terrible mistake, but one that leads to a Founder's Day congress, which is concluded to be a good thing.

10:05 - First heat taken, and the heat is blistering. No thermometer in the hot room, but heat must be at least 230, likely higher.

10:15 - First (and only) swim race conducted, a 1-length breast stroke, in which CA does better than he usually does but still loses.

10:50 - After completion of a full circuit, CA and EH return to the hot room for the first ever LASA plaitza. Two brooms, two buddies, two-hundred and thirty degrees of heat. CA dons EH's hat and gets to work. The plaitza, by Russian standards, is short, but gets to the point. EH pools off and heads up for his massage. The Russians, now in attendance, all comment that the hot room is hot as shit. Which means it might be closer to 240. Imagine that. 2 fucking 40.

11 - EH takes his massage.

11 - CA talks with smallest, swarthy-est Russian and gets a line on brooms. A promise is made of a New York phone number.

11:05 - After pooling off, CA literally hallucinates from the heat. The walls move with the waves in the pool. Things seem connected and good.

11:25 - CA discovers the roof deck has been recarpeted successfully.

11:55 - EH emerges from the massage rooms revitalized and hits the hot rooms. CA takes his massage.

12:20 - EH takes a a long, nude sunbath, rejoicing in the absence of cyclists present to scrutinize his ball bag.

12:40 - EH witnesses 10 year old Russian boy peeling and eating an orange in the hot room.

1 - CA emerges from his massage to find EH completing an epic circuit. Both men have been reborn. They convene on the roof deck for lunch.

1:10 - Founder's Day Rooftop Banquet

Served: couscous, pea, asparagus salad, chips and salsa, beer.

The merits of Mae's massage technique are reviewed. It's agreed that her firm, deep tissue technique in concert with her easy-going and guileless approach is well worth the money and time.

DN is again lambasted for his "Bartmen O'Leary: Revengefest" shirt, and not being there to defend himself, it's agreed that the design is confusing at best.

Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth" is discussed and nominated for a Pro's Only Book Club. The nomination is passed.

The Russian contingency is envied for their consistent numbers (9-12) and their multigenerational approach. The small, swarthy one takes a picture of the oldest, brownest Russian sunbathing nude but for a wide straw hat.

JS's cryptic reasons for absence are discussed hesitantly.

1:50 - CA's time gets unfortunately budgeted, and a final steam is taken. DN is again maligned, this time for dropping the ball on getting LASA patches.

2:15 - Founder's Day congress recessed, and with great joy it's discovered that paying for an hour massage reduces the entry fee to $10.

Attended

CA

EH

Absent with excuse

AG

TN

JN

Absent on bullshit

DN

CB

Absent on weirdness

JS

Minutes from the Third Congress

10: CB, TN and brother/initiate JN sign in and make first circuit.

1040: EH and CA sign in. CA buys broom and gets same deal EH did. Both become heavily engaged in conversation by a widowed Old Timer. CB claims to have also been so engaged, and it's agreed that though annoying, this circumstance is mostly just sad.

10:55: Swimming race between CA and EH, 1 length, crawl. Winner, CA.

11: JS and guest sign in and find Saunamen in the cedar. JS continues practice of funneling cycling enthusiasts into bania. Agreed that today’s funneling is more successful than last. JS does right thing by showing guest the proper first circuit. The cleanliness of DN's car is considered and unanimously voted "gross."

11:30: Sundeck is taken. No commissary services and restaurant closed in observation of the Armenian Genocide. It is agreed that Saunamen of ill-standing (namely, TH and JJ) should be issued letters rescinding the offer of membership. This letter should be no less than two pages and printed with full color letterhead.

11:35: JS wonders if Armenian Genocide is happening once more.

11:45: Merits of Palm Springs discussed. CA finds it hard to relax in a modern desert oasis, unaware or unconcerned that he’s currently sitting in one.

12:15: Some light exploration of the facilities with JS's guest reveals the Bullshit Room to have both a piano, flat screen television and several comfortable chairs. It's undecided as to what this room will be used for, only that it will be used in the future.

12:20: Another full circuit. Swim race between CA and EH, 1 lap, crawl then breast, Winner EH.

1:15: CB departs to see Icelandic songstress Emiliana Torrini. At a house. In the middle of the afternoon. Oddly, no disparaging remarks made in regards to this.

1:45: Final wind downs in the steam.

2:15: Congress adjourned.

Minutes from the Second Assembly

CA arrives at 10am. EH absent due to tax season.

CA completes full circuit, wonders where everyone is, contemplates many things, says hello to a Russian who shakes his head "Neit" in response.

JS arrives at 1130, bringing two civilians along with him. CA joins group for a circuit. Heat a big hit with civilians, JS shows guru in the pool, instructing his over-excited pupils to slow it down. Their later successes in the heat can be attributed to this sage advice.

Assembly on roof-deck at 1p. Chips, guacamole, Israeli couscous salad and Stone Pale Ale served. Weather, perfect. 80 degrees and sunny, saunamen wrapped head-to-toe in towels like Bedouins. JS forgets sunglasses, laments, but soldiers on undaunted. Debate ranges from automobile speakers to Israel to bicycle racing to laundromats to tax season to CB, who's good name is defiled. Long discussion about target shooting, clay pigeons and the like. A LASA excursion proposed.

CB arrives at 130p and is offered apologies for the defiling of his good name. CB goes for a circuit while the Roof Deck congress is completed and recessed.

Dangling feet in the hot tub times are enjoyed by the Saunamen, as civilians take another circuit. CB is confident in the preparation of his taxes, feels his accountant is a father-figure to him, but is not offered up for potential membership.

Entire group convenes in the steam. Civilians deeply impressed by the different levels of heat in steam room. CA wraps self in poncho and towels, lies down and falls asleep in corner, has short dream about Jessica Simpson.

On egress, Saunamen make note not to exchange money at the front desk at the risk of offending City Spa proprietor.

Second Assembly recessed at 245p.

Attended

CA

JS, plus two civilians

CB

Absent with cause

EH

TN

DN

AG

Absent with belligerence

TH

JJ

Boiled to death in the cold plunge?

Terrible news from Kiev. Reports are coming in that two Russians gentlemen were boiled to death when they jumped the cold plunge that had accidentally been heated to near boiling.

It's no good at all, and seems awful fishy to me. First of all, why would the cold plunge be capable of heating at all, let alone to 212?

But I know that I'm guilty of not dipping a toe before I plunge. Maybe this is the reminder we needed.

Minutes from the Inaugural Assembly

Meeting convened at 10 am. EH and CA first to arrive. Diesel smell noted outside City Spa. EH's broom negotiations go poorly, but no buyer's remorse noted.

CB second to arrive, purchases hat, very glad about it. Issued membership card.

First heat taken by CA, EH and CB.

TN and JS arrive next. A tour is given, the facilities are deemed acceptable.

Heats taken by CA, EH, JS, TN and and CB. EH makes first use of broom.

DN arrives wearing backpack. Given unofficial tour in said backpack.

First heats wrap up around 12, sun deck caucus convenes. Pita and hummous served.

At the caucus, debate begins about how LASA can open a heat establishment of its own. A build-out deemed impossible. The idea of acquiring one of the Korean baths is entered and seconded. CB worries about the implications of not having a Korean partner, claims to know the perfect Korean partner, becomes consumed with the particulars of the anticipated negotiations.

Second rounds of heat begin around 12:30.

TN begins to press the Bear for a plaitza, finally gets on some sort of list and is deemed "next."

CB begs off to fulfill moving duties.

JS declares the steam room his favorite for its curative abilities where his bronchial passages are concerned. In said steam room, DN volunteers to head up the Apparel Committee, whose first order of business is to commission a patch that can be sown on an existing or new sauna hat.

DN deems the Finnish sauna best suited to his needs, considers building one. The fate of Drinksies is considered. Though pressed, DN is not planning on removing any of the Tickle-Me-Elmos or the Walk-a-Baby bouncers from Drinksies anytime soon. EH is most enraged.

TN still waiting for plaitza.

12:45, luncheon convenes on the sun deck. Beet and Farro salad and Stone Pale Ales are served. Discussion includes growth (CB's member prospects must be heavily screened, no-show charter members to be reconsidered, TN's brother approved for membership; overall philosophy, grow smart, not fast). DN lucks into commissary services by CB's absence, but is unable to open his corked Lambic.

Rain pushes the luncheon inside, and TN and DN find excuse from the assembly (TN never gets his plaitza.)

JS turns the talk toward laundromat ownership, claims to read blogs on the subject, claims 50K annual profits can be made, that a 200K investment is needed, that you pay a man $900 a month to kep out the riff-raff. More ins and outs considered.

Third and last heats taken by JS, EH and CA.

LASA's Inaugural Assembly dismissed 2:30pm.

Attended

CA

EH

CB

JS

DN

TN

Absent with cause

AG

TH

Absent with belligerence

JJ

Los Angeles Saunamens Association - Inaugural Assembly

Today the Los Angeles Saunamens Association convenes for the first time at City Spa. I can't tell you how excited I am about this. This organization is what I've been working towards for many years, and it's finally taking shape. The group is solid, the heat will be perfect, and the day, though raining, couldn't be better!

Forty five minutes. Then, history.

Apolo Ohno - Saunamen?

Watching the 500 meter races last night and thought I heard an MBC broadcaster mumble something about Apolo Ohno and saunas. I kept asking Elizabeth, "Did he just say saunas? Did he?" And she said, "I don't know." And I said, "I think he just said something about Apolo Ohno and saunas!"

Why didn't I just rewind it?! I don't know. Maybe I'll search through and see if I can find it again. But that seems like a hassle. An internet search reveals only one clue on Runner's World's site - an interview where he claims a good idea came to him while running (and not in the sauna). Which proves that he uses saunas, but suggests he doesn't get the most out of them?

Too many questions. I need answers. Maybe an exclusive interview is in order...

Where Winter Olympians Sweat it Out

One would think that there would be a lot of talk about the sauna facilities at the Winter Olympics. There isn't. Their sweat culture is shrouded in mystery. Maybe it's better that way. As it goes for champions, it goes for us: this is a personal and sacred business.

But I know you demand answers, so I offer you this: The Rec Center at the site of the Olympic Village has refurbished their saunas. They are pictured on the vancouver.ca/parks website with the following appeal:

The Saunas have been redone as part of out renovation. Please come by and check them out.

Heritage: If You're Finnish, You Love a Good Loyly

The sauna as is most widely used and appreciated here in the States is taken from the Finns. You're familiar with the room lined in cedar and the central oven heating the stones, but they would prefer you get specific with it.

If you're Finnish (or heading that-a-way), you take your heat between 180-210, with the humidity at about 30-40%. This is higher than you think of for a "dry sauna," but the Finns are purists about the steam that comes off the rocks. They want it soft, and they have all manner of tricks in getting it thus. The type of rock is a factor, as is its heat. The quality of the water is considered. They have a name for the steam - loyly - which is derived for the word meaning "ghost" or "spirit." Remember that it's ghosts what you're sending up when you throw water on the rocks.

I'm cutting/pasting the Wikipedia entry for Finnish sauna, because I think it's something you should read and I don't trust you to follow a link.

Taking a sauna begins by sitting in the hot room, typically warmed to 80-110 degrees Celsius (170-230 degrees Fahrenheit), for some time. Water is thrown on the hot stones topping the kiuas, a special stove used to warm up the sauna. This produces steam, known as löyly, which increases the moisture and heat within the sauna. Occasionally one uses leafy, fragrant boughs ofsilver birch called vihta in West Finland and vasta in East Finland to gently beat oneself. This has a relaxing effect on the muscles and also helps in calming the effects of mosquito bites. When the heat begins to feel uncomfortable it is customary to jump into a lake, sea, or a swimming pool, or to have a shower. In the winter rolling in the snow or even swimming in a hole cut in the ice, an avanto, is sometimes used as a substitute. Then one usually sits down in the dressing room or the porch of the sauna to enjoy a sausage, along with beer or soft drinks. After cooling one goes back to the hot room and begins the cycle again. It varies by people how many times this cycle is repeated.^{[clarification needed]} Usually one takes at least two or three cycles, lasting between 30 minutes to two hours. In Finland's numerous summer cottages bathing might go on well into the night. This is especially true in the summer when there is virtually no darkness. For many Finns, the sauna is almost a sacred place. It is usually considered especially rude to swear in sauna, even in company that doesn't usually shy on swearing. Thorough washing will end the session of sauna. Conversation is relaxed and arguments and controversial topics are avoided. It is also rare to use titles or other honorifics in the sauna. In Finnish folklore, the sauna is the home of the sauna-elf, a spirit of the sauna (saunatonttu in Finnish).

Sometimes men and women go to the sauna together, sometimes not. For someone brought up in Finland, the rules are instinctive but they are difficult to put into words. Depending on the size, composition, relationships, and the age structure of the group three basic patterns can emerge: Everyone can go to the sauna at the same time, men and women may take sauna separately, or each family can go to sauna separately. Mixed saunas with non-family members are most common with younger adults, and are quite rare for older people or on more formal occasions. It is common for teenagers to stop going to sauna with their parents at some point; younger people, especially men, also favour hotter saunas than older.

In the sauna it is a faux pas to wear clothing in the hot room, although it is acceptable to sit on a small towel or pefletti, a disposable tissue designed to endure heat and humidity (it can be mandatory in a public sauna, such as at a public swimming pool). While cooling off it is common to wrap a towel around your body. Though mixed saunas are quite common, for a typical Finn the sauna is, with few exceptions, a non-sexual place. In Finland "sauna" means only a sauna, not a brothel, sex club, or such. In public saunas one also sees signs prohibiting the wearing of swimming suits in the hot room. In some indoor swimming pools chlorine is added to the water for hygiene reasons. If swimwear used in such water is brought to the hot room, the chlorine will vaporize and cause breathing problems for people with asthma or allergies. The oldest still active public sauna can be found in the Pispala district of Tampere. Rajaportin sauna began its operation 1906 and is currently owned by the City of Tampere. It is however run by the local Pispala Sauna Association (Finnish: Pispalan saunayhdistys ry.)^[3]

Foreign visitors to Finland often get invited into the sauna. This may even happen after business negotiations and other such events. On these occasions it may be acceptable to refuse, although it may not impress one's Finnish hosts. Such an invitation in a business setting may indicate that the negotiations have gone well and a joint business effort is anticipated. In private homes or summer residences the sauna is usually warmed to honour the guest and refusal may be more difficult. However, Finns will not typically be offended by declining the sauna.

A smoke sauna (savusauna) in Enonkoski.

A modern sauna.

The savusauna (smoke sauna) is a special type of sauna without a chimney. Wood is burned in a particularly large stove and the smoke fills the room. When the sauna is hot enough, the fire is allowed to die and the smoke is ventilated out. The residual heat of the stove is enough for the duration of the sauna. This represents the ancestral type of sauna, since chimneys are a later addition. Smoke saunas have experienced great revival in recent years since they are considered superior by the connoisseurs.^{[citation needed]} They are not, however, likely to replace all or even most of the regular saunas because more skill, effort and time (usually many hours) are needed for the heating process.

The sauna in Finland is such an old phenomenon that it is impossible to trace its roots. Bath houses were recorded in Europe during the same time period, but Finnish bathing habits were hardly documented until the 16th century.^{[citation needed]}Because of the years of habitation and variant rule by Russia and Sweden, it is possible that the sauna custom evolved from them. It was during the Reformation in Scandinavia that the popularity of saunas expanded to other countries because the European bath houses were being destroyed. Hundreds of years ago, when bathing was something to be done only rarely or never at all, Finns were cleaning themselves in saunas at least once a week. One reason the sauna culture has always flourished in Finland has been because of the versatility of the sauna. When people were moving the first thing they did was build a sauna. You could live in it, make food in the stove, take care of your personal hygiene and most importantly, give birth in an almost sterile environment. The sauna smoke contained tannic acid, an anti-bacterial polymer, which was the main reason saunas were the most sterile places. Another reason for its popularity is that in such a cold climate, the sauna allows people warmth for at least a short period of time. However, it is just as popular in the summer as in the winter.

The Health Department

I learned that "calling the health department" is really a euphemism for filling out an online complaint form. My complaint was "homosexual activity in a public place." See the full report below.

So far, all I've gotten is the auto-reply. When the human-reply comes in, you'll be updated.

Type of Incident: Other
Homosexual activity in a public place
Date of Incident: 01/10/2010
Location: Century Spa, 4120 W Olympic Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90019
Description of Incident: Saw men masturbating each other in various parts of this spa. Complained to manager by letter, got no response. Returned, found nothing is being done to curb this activity and so had to leave. If you search on Craigslist.com in "All Personals" for Century Spa, you'll find that men advertise for other men to meet them there for sex. I'm a paying customer who'd like to use the facilities without fear for my health.

Century Spa - you leave me no choice

It's been three weeks since I wrote them a scathing letter. I told them that if they responded to my requests, I'd keep the matter private and not call the health department.

They didn't. So here's the letter, and I'll let you know how my phone call to the health department goes.

Dear Manager of Century Spa,

I'm a five year visitor to your facilities, and I want to say first that how delighted I am with your refurbishment. I think the new facilities are some of the best in the city. And I should know – I write a popular blog called "Good Heat" (www.goodheat.blogspot.com) wherein I review different spas and saunas around Los Angeles.

However, I'm DEEPLY disappointed in your lack of care for the health of your customers. You've allowed your spa to turn into, for all intents and purposes, a gay sex club. It was bad before your refurbishment, then it was a whole lot better, now it's worse than ever before. This is incredibly frustrating, disappointing and embarrassing for your customers who come to your spa to relax and unwind.

To be specific, here's what I've seen at your facility:

• Excessive leering
• Guys touching themselves in the showers and steam rooms
• Guys touching each other in the clay room and the mugwart tub

I've heard that both oral and anal sex also take place at your facility, but thankfully, I've never had to witness this.

I'm not trying to be libelous. But if you're not aware of these things, you're turning a blind eye to a serious health code violation. And if you think it doesn't go on, log onto Craigslist.com and search "Century Spa" in "All Personals." You'll see that guys advertise there every day to meet and have sex at your facility.

The second problem is that there's no one on staff that seems to be able to address this problem. Every time I come, I've been greeted at the front desk by a woman, all of whom are nice, but with none of whom I feel comfortable bringing up these concerns, due to a language and culture barrier. That's why I'm resorting to writing a letter. I can't take it any more, and I'm tired of having to leave the sauna when things get weird.

I direct a fair share of business your way, both through my blog and by bringing friends and family with me when I dare to go. I want to mention that this weekend I'm meeting with another sauna enthusiast to found the The Los Angeles Saunamens Association, a club that I think will garner an initial membership of about forty gentlemen. We would love to include your facilities on our list of places to visit, but you need to address the problem that you have with the gay sexual activity that takes place at your spa.

Here's some of the things that you need to do:

• Post signs saying that leering or any sexual activity whatsoever will not be tolerated and police will be called if violations occur.

• Have identifiable staff members working in noticeable places around the spa.

• Eject patrons and call police when violations occur.

Please contact me and let me know how you intend to combat this problem. For now, I'll keep this matter private, but if you refuse to take action, I'll have no choice but to take this matter public and contact the health department.

I really enjoy your facilities and wish to be able to use them without concern for my health or worry that I'm going to be sexually harassed.

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter,

Clay Allen