Minutes from the 9th Congress

1030 - CA & EH arrive at City Spa and learn that co-ed hours now begin at 2pm. This is deemed acceptable, but also kind of annoying. Mr Eric is recognized by Mario and is pleased, but can't resist trying to be called Helin. Mario takes no notice of this.

1040 - First circuits. The heat is good, and EH is finding that his four month absence from the hot room has lowered his tolerance, but only slightly. As promised, the contents of EH's earthquake kit are reviewed and found to be in good order. The only outstanding item is firepower, and great debate ensues over the merits of handguns, shotguns, nunchucks, close-combat and the reality of different disaster scenarios.

1050 - A dip in the pool and both men aren't yet ready to race. Taking this one slowly.

11 - A long, Finnish heat in which is discussed swamp coolers, the soaring price of window treatments, and the potential of a series of shorts penned by EH called "Notes for My Maid." CA attaches himself to the project.

1125 - The first and only race of the day. 50m breast stroke. Winner EH by an arm.

1135 - Conditions on the roof are observed and found to be pleasant enough for a short pre-lunch sun. The Enterprise Room at the Vegas Hilton is detailed. It's agreed that three balds licking some sort of tinctured serum off the backs of their hands is worthy of zooming the spy cams in on, but not worthy of action by the security guards. It's also agreed that the end of the American empire could be well established with a long camera pull starting at the steel, talking enterprise urinals, continuing through the Enterprise Room, the Hilton, the street, Las Vegas, and so on.

1150 - Another circuit. Clean, forgiving.

1230 - Rooftop lunch of sandwiches from the Mustard Seed and Arrogant Bastard beers. Full sun and a light breeze make conditions perfect. CA wonders how the transition from ed to co-ed will be made, propose an employee with vague and unpleasant hand gestures to come through saying, "Shorts, guys. Get em on. Don't have em? Gotta go." The voice is crucial to the impact of this character. CA details a horrible Craigslist advertising experience, but per his preference, finds a happy(ish) ending for the story.

115 - The last circuits taken. Finnish, pool, steam.

2 - Congress convened, considered extremely successful.

Minutes from the 8th Congress

9am CA arrives, referred to as Mr Allen by Mario. The day begins wonderfully.

905 TN arrives. The membership is, sadly, completely convened. TN and CA discuss forgotten impliments. TN forgot his new hat, CA forgot his new gloves. TN borrows a hat and the men head to the heat.

915 First circuits. TN finds he has to "sneak up on the heat" in short increments. The present Russians estimate the heat at about 200-210. "Not so hot." Wednesday apparently is the day to come if you like it hot. 250 they say. Sounds impossible to this Saunamen, as you may remember that men were literally melting skin at 230 at last years' Championships, but the Russians say Wednesday, you get 250.

945 CA enters debate with friendly Russian as to the greatness of America. It's agreed that though America has its problems, the country is founded on strong principals and is, indeed, great.

1030 CA gives TN a plaitza, and gloveless, rips his hands to shreds. (See above post)

1050 TN gives CA a plaitza. Observing Russians order TN to beat CA "like it's 1560 Europe and he has just claimed that God does not exist."

11 Pooltime plaitza reviews: CA and TN agree they might have used too much water on the brooms, which both made them heavy and unwieldy as well as put too much moisture into the air in the hot room. Otherwise, the men are satisfied, except for the fact that CA has literally ripped skin off his hands in this process.

11:15 CA gets Bennington updates from TN in the steam room, and it's agreed that those motherfuckers under-use their diplomas in such a manner as to cause anger.

11:30 TN bids farewell and CA retires to the sundeck on a perfect 75 degree day to eat delicious sweet potato cakes with spiced yogurt and play a $600 ukulele with professional skill and style.

12:15 CA takes a final heat in the Finnish room, and is dismayed by the so-called "Melted Man" who is often present at City Spa. This is an older Jew, possibly Russian, who stands about 5 foot 3 and moves slowly through the spa and keeps to himself. Though thoroughly unpleasant to look at, Melted Man has never caused incident, until now, when CA in a deep state of bliss had to listen to him spit in the Finnish Sauna. Not big hawks, but more like he had sesame seeds stuck on his tongue and was getting rid of them one by one. After four of these, CA looked up and tried to meet Melted Mans eyes for a disapproving glower, but Melted Man was eyes down the whole time. Evidence of the spit could not be seen, and it was guess that Melted Man was actually spitting somewhere on his own disgusting body.

12:45 CA takes leave and the Congress (can it be called that?) is recessed.

Minutes from LASA 7th Congress

9:20 CA and EH arrive and check in. CA is given locker number 1 + Michael Jordan, EH is given 1 + the unluckiest number in the world.

9:30 First circuits taken. Blistering heat in the Russian Room. CA wins the first swim race, 100m crawl.

9:40 In the second heat, a massive leak from the ceiling is noticed. The bucket catching the water is brackish. The ceiling above is bowed. This isn't good. Conversation turns to the excesses of the advertising industry and EH's inability to successfully plan his life around these excesses.

9:45 Same heat, CA gets into first ever argument with foreign national, an older gentlemen (not Russian) who had been spotted at the 6th congress with the door open waving out the heat. Attempting the same maneuver, CA calls him out, saying, "If it's too hot, sit lower." The old guy counters with "It's not the heat, it's the steam. It's too moist in here." And to this, CA admits he might be wrong. Too much moisture in that room isn't right. So he opens the door for the old bastard and excuses himself to the pool. EH wins the next race, a rematch of the 100m crawl.

10 The third heat is full of Russians. The foreign national complains again to Sergei about the heat, and now it seems like it's the heat that he's complaining about. Sergei claims the guys getting plaitzas wanted more, and they get to call the shots. But then Sergei backtracks, and says he'll open the door for the guy if he wants. And even though this debate is happening in English, neither EH nor CA can really make heads or tails as to what it's about or who's winning.

1030 The Finnish sauna boasts an "improvement:" a rock-panel wall around the sauna oven, unfinished. It looks terrible and seems to serve no real purpose. In talk about this, a long-time patron of City Spa chimes in with some wonderful history. It includes some detail of when the ceiling in the Russian Room was last done (recently) and when the hot tub was redone, and also some facts about an inspection conducted when his family's insurance brokerage was looking into providing for the City Spa. The owner is painted as a nice guy, but who has a misguided way of keeping up facilities. Interesting note: City Spa's recent water bill went from 9K to 30K. Imagine.

11 EH's Mormons are ruining the kids from UTEP, and this brings joy. No rooftop congress called for rain and time purposes, and so a tour of rain-catching buckets is made. There are more than should be reported. EH has a lot of plans for the Game Room, such serious meetings to be held, but such a lacking membership with which to hold them.

11:30 Another heat circuit is taken, and unfortunately the pool is too crowded for racing.

11:45 The day of heat ends with a long cook in the steam room. All is quiet and well.

12:10 CA and EH watch the Mormons stomp the Texans for a time, shower and dismiss the congress at 12:30.

Attended:

CA

EH

Absent with call:

TN

All other members not considered for attendance.

Minutes from the Awaited 6th Congress

Delayed for months, the 6th Congress was finally convened, and it proved to be one of intimidating innovation and all-around freshness.

9:05 EH and CA arrive, enjoying the euphoric effects of the Chalet Harvest, and take a first heat. In the first swim races, EH wins the half lap crawl by a hair. EH proposes a parallel blog to GOOD HEAT called "GOOD TEMPS" or "G TMPS" which is meant to cater to the Twitter/Facebook crowd. The motion passes.

9:15 TN and Initiate Jason arrive and to CA and EH's great surprise (email confusion). A true congress is convened.

9:50 CA prepares for a plaitza to be given by TN and both are given incredible instruction by the Russians. It started with a tall, 50ish patron and then advanced to Sergei, aka, the Bear, chiming in and demonstrating whacks. It's the first real inside information the group has ever received. This is breakthrough territory.

The Russian way to give a plaitza

You need the mat, and the mat needs two sheets. Why two? So you don't miss the feat. Then, right before you lay down, you sprinkle cold water on the sheets. Heaven.

You also need a half bucket of cold water. Also (and we knew this, but it bears mentioning) gloves and a hat. The plaitzee also gets a cold towel over his head.

Then, prime the ovens. As Sergei told TN, "You can't move heat that's not there."

During the plaitza, be sure to turn the broom over frequently to keep it from a) getting too hot and b) drying out.

Then, there are all sorts of moves to do, but the basic is to put the heat into the body and then go up and down just over the skin and move the heat there. There's also the resting of the broom on various parts of the body, there's the light massage, the light touch, the cold water sprinkle, the double barrel, the big beat down, etc.

10 EH wins the second race, the breast stroke lap, by a hand. CA and EH abide in the Nordic sauna, while TN and IJ get some steam and some more big heats.

11 After some more circuitry, TN preps for his plaitza to be given by CA. There are no Russians present to give notes.

1130 Rooftop congress is convened. TN and IJ come through with a cooler full of incredible jugs of cold beer and some fennel slaw, while CA brings half sandos to the table. Debate ranges around VBN offerings, including the Harrison Morris show Pharmacopia, the events of All Hallow's Eve, last evening's alcohol consumption and EH's support of "Everyday Drinking" by Kingsley Amis, CA's prison story (as told by TN), and IJ's deeply unfortunate fear of public waters. This leads to talk of hot tubs, and IJ proposed a notion of Hot Tubsmen. EH took a wrench out his kit bag, gave it and turn, and we were given"Hot Springsmen," a notion considered tempting by all. There is talk about the weakness of the club membership and how that is standing in the way of potential greatness. There is weariness in the voices of CA and EH, but TN is is a bouying presence, and his energy is considered critical to the club.

1250 EH notices a distinct lack of interest by the Russians in college football. After turning the channel to check a score, a half hour later the station would be returned to a Russian soap opera.

1 The final circuits are taken and TN and CA realize that they made a great faux pas in not cleaning up after their respective plaitzas. It's a mistake they'll only make once.

115 The final swim race is judged by IJ. It's meant to be a middle distance race at two and a half laps of breast stroke, but it ends up being a longer spring. EH wins by a forearm.

130 TN shows up in the Nordic sauna wearing a sharp looking suit of clothes. He's there to say goodbye, but quite unintentionally, he winds up making a strong case for the dinner jacket.

2 Congress is adjourned.

ATTENDED

CA

EH

TN + Initiate Jason

ABSENT with reason, but really boring reasons

JS

CB

ABSENT with real questions now being raised about any legitimacy of their intentions and one missed congress away from ending up in the following category.

DN

JN

AG

PERMANENTLY EXPELLED FROM CLUB ROSTER (official letter pending)

Tom Hamling

Minutes from the LASA 5th Congress

Minutes from LASA's A Good 5th Congress

9:30 EH and CA arrive. The guy who works the door in the morning recognizes them and doesn't ask for their names. A huge victory.

9:45 Founder's heat. Sauna at about 215-220. Spirits high in anticipation of USA v Ghana World Cup match. The Russian side is inquired after, and is said to be in disarray, with all the good talent being here in the US. "Here" seems to be said with disgust, even though here is where we are all sitting. Still, the mood is light.

9:50 First swim race: Lap of freestyle, taken by Helin by inches. Second race, length breast stroke, taken by Helin by a foot.

10 In the Finnish room, it's agreed that this heat, the long, even, Scandinavian heat is the day's favorite. Sure, the Russian room is unbeatable on any number of levels, but it's the Finnish heat after the hot room and pool that hits all the notes and forges forgiveness in a man's bones.

10:30 Women's track and field in the locker room gets people excited for the game.

10:45 EH's final heat before his appointment with May. Third swim race, lap breast stoke, Helin wins by inches.

11 TN arrives, CB is three minutes behind. CA and TN take a heat, agree to plaitza each other. A new revolution is formed.

11:20 The revolution comes to pass. TN plaitzas CA with an expert's hand bringing about total revitalization. The Russians are impressed with TN's technique, and tip LASA off to the use of gloves for the plaitza-er.

11:35 CB is deep into the LA Weekly, and he's feeling great about it.

11:40 After a dip in the pool, CA plaitzas TN, who takes an incredible amount of heat into his body via the venik. This is the way the day is supposed to work.

12 CA takes his shift with May, EH returns, hamstrings worked into jelly.

1 Rooftop Luncheon, beet salad, beers, komboocha served. CB makes good on not eating any of it. Rescind letters are again brought up, and this time, DN's name is added to the list of possibles. It's agreed that Rescind Letters should be hand-delivered, and CB offers to hire a PA for the job. A minute into extra time, Ghana takes a 1-2 lead, and holds it. US defeated, but mood at schvitz still light.

1:15 CB begs off.

1:45 Another round of heat, ending in the steam. It's agreed that there's something about the day that has brought LASA members into some of the deepest states of tranquility ever experienced.

2:15 Congress adjourned.

Attended

CA

EH

TN

CB

Absent with Excuse

JS

AG, though this might be the last time, barring continued medical excuse

The orange eating boy, to EH's delight

Absent with a weak "It's complicated...."

DN

Membership Rescinded (letter pending)

TH

Minutes from the Third Congress

10: CB, TN and brother/initiate JN sign in and make first circuit.

1040: EH and CA sign in. CA buys broom and gets same deal EH did. Both become heavily engaged in conversation by a widowed Old Timer. CB claims to have also been so engaged, and it's agreed that though annoying, this circumstance is mostly just sad.

10:55: Swimming race between CA and EH, 1 length, crawl. Winner, CA.

11: JS and guest sign in and find Saunamen in the cedar. JS continues practice of funneling cycling enthusiasts into bania. Agreed that today’s funneling is more successful than last. JS does right thing by showing guest the proper first circuit. The cleanliness of DN's car is considered and unanimously voted "gross."

11:30: Sundeck is taken. No commissary services and restaurant closed in observation of the Armenian Genocide. It is agreed that Saunamen of ill-standing (namely, TH and JJ) should be issued letters rescinding the offer of membership. This letter should be no less than two pages and printed with full color letterhead.

11:35: JS wonders if Armenian Genocide is happening once more.

11:45: Merits of Palm Springs discussed. CA finds it hard to relax in a modern desert oasis, unaware or unconcerned that he’s currently sitting in one.

12:15: Some light exploration of the facilities with JS's guest reveals the Bullshit Room to have both a piano, flat screen television and several comfortable chairs. It's undecided as to what this room will be used for, only that it will be used in the future.

12:20: Another full circuit. Swim race between CA and EH, 1 lap, crawl then breast, Winner EH.

1:15: CB departs to see Icelandic songstress Emiliana Torrini. At a house. In the middle of the afternoon. Oddly, no disparaging remarks made in regards to this.

1:45: Final wind downs in the steam.

2:15: Congress adjourned.