Death at the Championships

It's unsettling to say the least. This year at the World Sauna Championships in Finland the two finalists, Russian Vladimir Ladyzhenskiy and Finn Timo Kaukonen both literally melted their skin in the 230 hot room.

230's really hot, and I've been in 230, and that's what's scary. But I don't think I've come close to melting my skin. But it's given me a lot to think about.

I guess in the end, the world of the sauna is not meant for competition. It's actually quite the opposite of what it's all about. This is a world of relaxation and restoration. The point is to listen to your body. The point of big heat like that is to touch your limit - not push it to the point of melting skin.

They've called a stop to the Championships, which is the right thing to do. But it probably never should have been started in the first place.

This guy, Rick Reilly, has the best piece on it. He's a former competitor and sports writer for ESPN.

Also, the gruesome photos embedded in Reilly's article of the melted Russian - I'd skip them if I were you.

Century Spa - the end of a boycot

When we last checked in about Century Spa, the Koreatown megaplex with incredible heat and a terrible cruising problem, I think we left it at a letter that read "If you don't deal with this problem I'm never coming back."

Well, that changed when Tom Hamling sent me a gift certificate to the joint. It looks like our July congress is not going to happen due to summer travel plans and this past Monday, I got then yen for some heat. So I grabbed my hat and hoped for the best.

The gift certificate was in Korean, but it looked like it entailed some service. When I arrived, the lady behind the desk said "Body Scrub or Massage." I chose body scrub. I was a little pressed for time, and that procedure took just 30 minutes. Also, I've never had one but have heard good reviews. The Russians do it, the Koreans do it. Now it was my turn.

I took some heat and talked to a one-armed black dude called Lorenza. He was in his late 60s, early 70s, and we formed a bond over the superior quality of heat in the Korean Mist Room. We talked heavy weight boxing and Dallas, Texas. I was off to a good start.

I was fetched by my body scrubber and taken to a back area of three tables. I was instructed to lay ass to the sky and was loofahed by the gentleman for some time. I was turned over and the procedure was repeated on my front.

Now, let's make it clear that I've always been comfortable with nudity. I went to a boys camp where you had to learn to deal with it. I'm glad I did. I'm fine with nudity.

That said, when I get a heat, I take a towel with me. I stay covered when I can, just out of both courtesy and simple modesty. There are gents who walk the grounds totally nude, and that's fine, but I like to play it different.

Now, I was lying totally naked on my back for an extended period of time with a Korean gentleman working me over with a loofah. I was out of my zone. So I came up with some mental images that helped me, and I'll share them with you now in case you ever find yourself in a similar situation.

I pretended I was an ancient warrior, and I pretended my body was a bit less than twice the size it actually is -- I was thinking I was about 9 feet tall, about 300 pounds of pure muscle. I also pretended the Korean gentleman was about half the size he actually was - maybe about 4 feet tall, and 65 pounds. He was working on me before an important battle, purifying my skin and my body before it was awash in blood and horror. This scenario was, of course, animated thusly:

This helped a lot.

Then he washed under my balls, and all I could think was "Wow. You can pay a Korean guy to wash under your balls." I thought about the guy and his family, I thought how his kids might think of him, how I would think of him if I were his kid. Work is work, but taint washing, even if it's only for a second, is a tough nut to swallow. This made me kind of sad, so I went back to the first scenario and felt much better.

I was released and told to sit in the heat for five minutes. We were at about 20 minutes, so I figured I was going to get a top coat and that would be that. But when I returned, I was coated in oil and given a half hour massage. It was a good massage, but again, when I was turned dick-up, I had to fashion my Spirited Away world, which took some energy. But a good massage none-the-less, a far cry from the Korean-lady-walking-on-your-back treatment that I've gotten at this place. When I was again released, an hour had passed and I was going to be well later getting home than I'd informed E.

When I was paying, I looked at the list of services and realized that Tom Hamling had been gifted "Body Scrub / Oil Massage." Neither the "/" nor the "oil" had translated. It had been a surprise, and I was okay with it.

In the end, I think Century is back on the table. You have to pick your times and your spots, but that Mist Room is too good to miss, and $20 is a deal. I'll probably flipflop on this later, but for now, count me in (occasionally).

Minutes from the LASA 5th Congress

Minutes from LASA's A Good 5th Congress

9:30 EH and CA arrive. The guy who works the door in the morning recognizes them and doesn't ask for their names. A huge victory.

9:45 Founder's heat. Sauna at about 215-220. Spirits high in anticipation of USA v Ghana World Cup match. The Russian side is inquired after, and is said to be in disarray, with all the good talent being here in the US. "Here" seems to be said with disgust, even though here is where we are all sitting. Still, the mood is light.

9:50 First swim race: Lap of freestyle, taken by Helin by inches. Second race, length breast stroke, taken by Helin by a foot.

10 In the Finnish room, it's agreed that this heat, the long, even, Scandinavian heat is the day's favorite. Sure, the Russian room is unbeatable on any number of levels, but it's the Finnish heat after the hot room and pool that hits all the notes and forges forgiveness in a man's bones.

10:30 Women's track and field in the locker room gets people excited for the game.

10:45 EH's final heat before his appointment with May. Third swim race, lap breast stoke, Helin wins by inches.

11 TN arrives, CB is three minutes behind. CA and TN take a heat, agree to plaitza each other. A new revolution is formed.

11:20 The revolution comes to pass. TN plaitzas CA with an expert's hand bringing about total revitalization. The Russians are impressed with TN's technique, and tip LASA off to the use of gloves for the plaitza-er.

11:35 CB is deep into the LA Weekly, and he's feeling great about it.

11:40 After a dip in the pool, CA plaitzas TN, who takes an incredible amount of heat into his body via the venik. This is the way the day is supposed to work.

12 CA takes his shift with May, EH returns, hamstrings worked into jelly.

1 Rooftop Luncheon, beet salad, beers, komboocha served. CB makes good on not eating any of it. Rescind letters are again brought up, and this time, DN's name is added to the list of possibles. It's agreed that Rescind Letters should be hand-delivered, and CB offers to hire a PA for the job. A minute into extra time, Ghana takes a 1-2 lead, and holds it. US defeated, but mood at schvitz still light.

1:15 CB begs off.

1:45 Another round of heat, ending in the steam. It's agreed that there's something about the day that has brought LASA members into some of the deepest states of tranquility ever experienced.

2:15 Congress adjourned.

Attended

CA

EH

TN

CB

Absent with Excuse

JS

AG, though this might be the last time, barring continued medical excuse

The orange eating boy, to EH's delight

Absent with a weak "It's complicated...."

DN

Membership Rescinded (letter pending)

TH

Minutes from the LASA 4th Congress: Founder's Day

LASA 4th Congress, May 29, 2010

9:45 - CB phones EH to beg off the congress for sickness. CA and EH agree that CB has made a terrible mistake, and that without the assistance of the heat, his piss-pot immune system will keep that head cold rattling around for two weeks. A terrible mistake, but one that leads to a Founder's Day congress, which is concluded to be a good thing.

10:05 - First heat taken, and the heat is blistering. No thermometer in the hot room, but heat must be at least 230, likely higher.

10:15 - First (and only) swim race conducted, a 1-length breast stroke, in which CA does better than he usually does but still loses.

10:50 - After completion of a full circuit, CA and EH return to the hot room for the first ever LASA plaitza. Two brooms, two buddies, two-hundred and thirty degrees of heat. CA dons EH's hat and gets to work. The plaitza, by Russian standards, is short, but gets to the point. EH pools off and heads up for his massage. The Russians, now in attendance, all comment that the hot room is hot as shit. Which means it might be closer to 240. Imagine that. 2 fucking 40.

11 - EH takes his massage.

11 - CA talks with smallest, swarthy-est Russian and gets a line on brooms. A promise is made of a New York phone number.

11:05 - After pooling off, CA literally hallucinates from the heat. The walls move with the waves in the pool. Things seem connected and good.

11:25 - CA discovers the roof deck has been recarpeted successfully.

11:55 - EH emerges from the massage rooms revitalized and hits the hot rooms. CA takes his massage.

12:20 - EH takes a a long, nude sunbath, rejoicing in the absence of cyclists present to scrutinize his ball bag.

12:40 - EH witnesses 10 year old Russian boy peeling and eating an orange in the hot room.

1 - CA emerges from his massage to find EH completing an epic circuit. Both men have been reborn. They convene on the roof deck for lunch.

1:10 - Founder's Day Rooftop Banquet

Served: couscous, pea, asparagus salad, chips and salsa, beer.

The merits of Mae's massage technique are reviewed. It's agreed that her firm, deep tissue technique in concert with her easy-going and guileless approach is well worth the money and time.

DN is again lambasted for his "Bartmen O'Leary: Revengefest" shirt, and not being there to defend himself, it's agreed that the design is confusing at best.

Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth" is discussed and nominated for a Pro's Only Book Club. The nomination is passed.

The Russian contingency is envied for their consistent numbers (9-12) and their multigenerational approach. The small, swarthy one takes a picture of the oldest, brownest Russian sunbathing nude but for a wide straw hat.

JS's cryptic reasons for absence are discussed hesitantly.

1:50 - CA's time gets unfortunately budgeted, and a final steam is taken. DN is again maligned, this time for dropping the ball on getting LASA patches.

2:15 - Founder's Day congress recessed, and with great joy it's discovered that paying for an hour massage reduces the entry fee to $10.

Attended

CA

EH

Absent with excuse

AG

TN

JN

Absent on bullshit

DN

CB

Absent on weirdness

JS

Minutes from the Third Congress

10: CB, TN and brother/initiate JN sign in and make first circuit.

1040: EH and CA sign in. CA buys broom and gets same deal EH did. Both become heavily engaged in conversation by a widowed Old Timer. CB claims to have also been so engaged, and it's agreed that though annoying, this circumstance is mostly just sad.

10:55: Swimming race between CA and EH, 1 length, crawl. Winner, CA.

11: JS and guest sign in and find Saunamen in the cedar. JS continues practice of funneling cycling enthusiasts into bania. Agreed that today’s funneling is more successful than last. JS does right thing by showing guest the proper first circuit. The cleanliness of DN's car is considered and unanimously voted "gross."

11:30: Sundeck is taken. No commissary services and restaurant closed in observation of the Armenian Genocide. It is agreed that Saunamen of ill-standing (namely, TH and JJ) should be issued letters rescinding the offer of membership. This letter should be no less than two pages and printed with full color letterhead.

11:35: JS wonders if Armenian Genocide is happening once more.

11:45: Merits of Palm Springs discussed. CA finds it hard to relax in a modern desert oasis, unaware or unconcerned that he’s currently sitting in one.

12:15: Some light exploration of the facilities with JS's guest reveals the Bullshit Room to have both a piano, flat screen television and several comfortable chairs. It's undecided as to what this room will be used for, only that it will be used in the future.

12:20: Another full circuit. Swim race between CA and EH, 1 lap, crawl then breast, Winner EH.

1:15: CB departs to see Icelandic songstress Emiliana Torrini. At a house. In the middle of the afternoon. Oddly, no disparaging remarks made in regards to this.

1:45: Final wind downs in the steam.

2:15: Congress adjourned.

Minutes from the Second Assembly

CA arrives at 10am. EH absent due to tax season.

CA completes full circuit, wonders where everyone is, contemplates many things, says hello to a Russian who shakes his head "Neit" in response.

JS arrives at 1130, bringing two civilians along with him. CA joins group for a circuit. Heat a big hit with civilians, JS shows guru in the pool, instructing his over-excited pupils to slow it down. Their later successes in the heat can be attributed to this sage advice.

Assembly on roof-deck at 1p. Chips, guacamole, Israeli couscous salad and Stone Pale Ale served. Weather, perfect. 80 degrees and sunny, saunamen wrapped head-to-toe in towels like Bedouins. JS forgets sunglasses, laments, but soldiers on undaunted. Debate ranges from automobile speakers to Israel to bicycle racing to laundromats to tax season to CB, who's good name is defiled. Long discussion about target shooting, clay pigeons and the like. A LASA excursion proposed.

CB arrives at 130p and is offered apologies for the defiling of his good name. CB goes for a circuit while the Roof Deck congress is completed and recessed.

Dangling feet in the hot tub times are enjoyed by the Saunamen, as civilians take another circuit. CB is confident in the preparation of his taxes, feels his accountant is a father-figure to him, but is not offered up for potential membership.

Entire group convenes in the steam. Civilians deeply impressed by the different levels of heat in steam room. CA wraps self in poncho and towels, lies down and falls asleep in corner, has short dream about Jessica Simpson.

On egress, Saunamen make note not to exchange money at the front desk at the risk of offending City Spa proprietor.

Second Assembly recessed at 245p.

Attended

CA

JS, plus two civilians

CB

Absent with cause

EH

TN

DN

AG

Absent with belligerence

TH

JJ

Boiled to death in the cold plunge?

Terrible news from Kiev. Reports are coming in that two Russians gentlemen were boiled to death when they jumped the cold plunge that had accidentally been heated to near boiling.

It's no good at all, and seems awful fishy to me. First of all, why would the cold plunge be capable of heating at all, let alone to 212?

But I know that I'm guilty of not dipping a toe before I plunge. Maybe this is the reminder we needed.