Minutes from the LASA 4th Congress: Founder's Day

LASA 4th Congress, May 29, 2010

9:45 - CB phones EH to beg off the congress for sickness. CA and EH agree that CB has made a terrible mistake, and that without the assistance of the heat, his piss-pot immune system will keep that head cold rattling around for two weeks. A terrible mistake, but one that leads to a Founder's Day congress, which is concluded to be a good thing.

10:05 - First heat taken, and the heat is blistering. No thermometer in the hot room, but heat must be at least 230, likely higher.

10:15 - First (and only) swim race conducted, a 1-length breast stroke, in which CA does better than he usually does but still loses.

10:50 - After completion of a full circuit, CA and EH return to the hot room for the first ever LASA plaitza. Two brooms, two buddies, two-hundred and thirty degrees of heat. CA dons EH's hat and gets to work. The plaitza, by Russian standards, is short, but gets to the point. EH pools off and heads up for his massage. The Russians, now in attendance, all comment that the hot room is hot as shit. Which means it might be closer to 240. Imagine that. 2 fucking 40.

11 - EH takes his massage.

11 - CA talks with smallest, swarthy-est Russian and gets a line on brooms. A promise is made of a New York phone number.

11:05 - After pooling off, CA literally hallucinates from the heat. The walls move with the waves in the pool. Things seem connected and good.

11:25 - CA discovers the roof deck has been recarpeted successfully.

11:55 - EH emerges from the massage rooms revitalized and hits the hot rooms. CA takes his massage.

12:20 - EH takes a a long, nude sunbath, rejoicing in the absence of cyclists present to scrutinize his ball bag.

12:40 - EH witnesses 10 year old Russian boy peeling and eating an orange in the hot room.

1 - CA emerges from his massage to find EH completing an epic circuit. Both men have been reborn. They convene on the roof deck for lunch.

1:10 - Founder's Day Rooftop Banquet

Served: couscous, pea, asparagus salad, chips and salsa, beer.

The merits of Mae's massage technique are reviewed. It's agreed that her firm, deep tissue technique in concert with her easy-going and guileless approach is well worth the money and time.

DN is again lambasted for his "Bartmen O'Leary: Revengefest" shirt, and not being there to defend himself, it's agreed that the design is confusing at best.

Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth" is discussed and nominated for a Pro's Only Book Club. The nomination is passed.

The Russian contingency is envied for their consistent numbers (9-12) and their multigenerational approach. The small, swarthy one takes a picture of the oldest, brownest Russian sunbathing nude but for a wide straw hat.

JS's cryptic reasons for absence are discussed hesitantly.

1:50 - CA's time gets unfortunately budgeted, and a final steam is taken. DN is again maligned, this time for dropping the ball on getting LASA patches.

2:15 - Founder's Day congress recessed, and with great joy it's discovered that paying for an hour massage reduces the entry fee to $10.

Attended

CA

EH

Absent with excuse

AG

TN

JN

Absent on bullshit

DN

CB

Absent on weirdness

JS

Minutes from the Third Congress

10: CB, TN and brother/initiate JN sign in and make first circuit.

1040: EH and CA sign in. CA buys broom and gets same deal EH did. Both become heavily engaged in conversation by a widowed Old Timer. CB claims to have also been so engaged, and it's agreed that though annoying, this circumstance is mostly just sad.

10:55: Swimming race between CA and EH, 1 length, crawl. Winner, CA.

11: JS and guest sign in and find Saunamen in the cedar. JS continues practice of funneling cycling enthusiasts into bania. Agreed that today’s funneling is more successful than last. JS does right thing by showing guest the proper first circuit. The cleanliness of DN's car is considered and unanimously voted "gross."

11:30: Sundeck is taken. No commissary services and restaurant closed in observation of the Armenian Genocide. It is agreed that Saunamen of ill-standing (namely, TH and JJ) should be issued letters rescinding the offer of membership. This letter should be no less than two pages and printed with full color letterhead.

11:35: JS wonders if Armenian Genocide is happening once more.

11:45: Merits of Palm Springs discussed. CA finds it hard to relax in a modern desert oasis, unaware or unconcerned that he’s currently sitting in one.

12:15: Some light exploration of the facilities with JS's guest reveals the Bullshit Room to have both a piano, flat screen television and several comfortable chairs. It's undecided as to what this room will be used for, only that it will be used in the future.

12:20: Another full circuit. Swim race between CA and EH, 1 lap, crawl then breast, Winner EH.

1:15: CB departs to see Icelandic songstress Emiliana Torrini. At a house. In the middle of the afternoon. Oddly, no disparaging remarks made in regards to this.

1:45: Final wind downs in the steam.

2:15: Congress adjourned.

Minutes from the Second Assembly

CA arrives at 10am. EH absent due to tax season.

CA completes full circuit, wonders where everyone is, contemplates many things, says hello to a Russian who shakes his head "Neit" in response.

JS arrives at 1130, bringing two civilians along with him. CA joins group for a circuit. Heat a big hit with civilians, JS shows guru in the pool, instructing his over-excited pupils to slow it down. Their later successes in the heat can be attributed to this sage advice.

Assembly on roof-deck at 1p. Chips, guacamole, Israeli couscous salad and Stone Pale Ale served. Weather, perfect. 80 degrees and sunny, saunamen wrapped head-to-toe in towels like Bedouins. JS forgets sunglasses, laments, but soldiers on undaunted. Debate ranges from automobile speakers to Israel to bicycle racing to laundromats to tax season to CB, who's good name is defiled. Long discussion about target shooting, clay pigeons and the like. A LASA excursion proposed.

CB arrives at 130p and is offered apologies for the defiling of his good name. CB goes for a circuit while the Roof Deck congress is completed and recessed.

Dangling feet in the hot tub times are enjoyed by the Saunamen, as civilians take another circuit. CB is confident in the preparation of his taxes, feels his accountant is a father-figure to him, but is not offered up for potential membership.

Entire group convenes in the steam. Civilians deeply impressed by the different levels of heat in steam room. CA wraps self in poncho and towels, lies down and falls asleep in corner, has short dream about Jessica Simpson.

On egress, Saunamen make note not to exchange money at the front desk at the risk of offending City Spa proprietor.

Second Assembly recessed at 245p.

Attended

CA

JS, plus two civilians

CB

Absent with cause

EH

TN

DN

AG

Absent with belligerence

TH

JJ

Boiled to death in the cold plunge?

Terrible news from Kiev. Reports are coming in that two Russians gentlemen were boiled to death when they jumped the cold plunge that had accidentally been heated to near boiling.

It's no good at all, and seems awful fishy to me. First of all, why would the cold plunge be capable of heating at all, let alone to 212?

But I know that I'm guilty of not dipping a toe before I plunge. Maybe this is the reminder we needed.

Minutes from the Inaugural Assembly

Meeting convened at 10 am. EH and CA first to arrive. Diesel smell noted outside City Spa. EH's broom negotiations go poorly, but no buyer's remorse noted.

CB second to arrive, purchases hat, very glad about it. Issued membership card.

First heat taken by CA, EH and CB.

TN and JS arrive next. A tour is given, the facilities are deemed acceptable.

Heats taken by CA, EH, JS, TN and and CB. EH makes first use of broom.

DN arrives wearing backpack. Given unofficial tour in said backpack.

First heats wrap up around 12, sun deck caucus convenes. Pita and hummous served.

At the caucus, debate begins about how LASA can open a heat establishment of its own. A build-out deemed impossible. The idea of acquiring one of the Korean baths is entered and seconded. CB worries about the implications of not having a Korean partner, claims to know the perfect Korean partner, becomes consumed with the particulars of the anticipated negotiations.

Second rounds of heat begin around 12:30.

TN begins to press the Bear for a plaitza, finally gets on some sort of list and is deemed "next."

CB begs off to fulfill moving duties.

JS declares the steam room his favorite for its curative abilities where his bronchial passages are concerned. In said steam room, DN volunteers to head up the Apparel Committee, whose first order of business is to commission a patch that can be sown on an existing or new sauna hat.

DN deems the Finnish sauna best suited to his needs, considers building one. The fate of Drinksies is considered. Though pressed, DN is not planning on removing any of the Tickle-Me-Elmos or the Walk-a-Baby bouncers from Drinksies anytime soon. EH is most enraged.

TN still waiting for plaitza.

12:45, luncheon convenes on the sun deck. Beet and Farro salad and Stone Pale Ales are served. Discussion includes growth (CB's member prospects must be heavily screened, no-show charter members to be reconsidered, TN's brother approved for membership; overall philosophy, grow smart, not fast). DN lucks into commissary services by CB's absence, but is unable to open his corked Lambic.

Rain pushes the luncheon inside, and TN and DN find excuse from the assembly (TN never gets his plaitza.)

JS turns the talk toward laundromat ownership, claims to read blogs on the subject, claims 50K annual profits can be made, that a 200K investment is needed, that you pay a man $900 a month to kep out the riff-raff. More ins and outs considered.

Third and last heats taken by JS, EH and CA.

LASA's Inaugural Assembly dismissed 2:30pm.

Attended

CA

EH

CB

JS

DN

TN

Absent with cause

AG

TH

Absent with belligerence

JJ

Los Angeles Saunamens Association - Inaugural Assembly

Today the Los Angeles Saunamens Association convenes for the first time at City Spa. I can't tell you how excited I am about this. This organization is what I've been working towards for many years, and it's finally taking shape. The group is solid, the heat will be perfect, and the day, though raining, couldn't be better!

Forty five minutes. Then, history.

Apolo Ohno - Saunamen?

Watching the 500 meter races last night and thought I heard an MBC broadcaster mumble something about Apolo Ohno and saunas. I kept asking Elizabeth, "Did he just say saunas? Did he?" And she said, "I don't know." And I said, "I think he just said something about Apolo Ohno and saunas!"

Why didn't I just rewind it?! I don't know. Maybe I'll search through and see if I can find it again. But that seems like a hassle. An internet search reveals only one clue on Runner's World's site - an interview where he claims a good idea came to him while running (and not in the sauna). Which proves that he uses saunas, but suggests he doesn't get the most out of them?

Too many questions. I need answers. Maybe an exclusive interview is in order...