Bad News from the Ritz Carlton

Went for a heat after my swim yesterday and the sauna was at 155. 155! I threw some water on the rocks, but it was futile. I made for the steam room, which is a fine way to soothe tired muscles, but as we all know doesn't invigorate like a nice sauna.

I had two too many beers last night, and at this altitude (7500'), that's a problem. I'd love to head down to the sauna and sweat that out, but what happens if I get there and they're posting 155 again? In this situation, a steam is the absolute wrong way to go. I'd just boil that booze inside my body.

I'm really in the thick of it here, guys. Letters of support appreciated.

Good News from the Ritz-Carlton

It's often joked that your friend Clay has one of the best of the "White Man's Problems," a phenomenon recognized and named by LASA member EH as being so ultimately inconsequential but nevertheless complained about. Mine is that the sauna in the Gentleman's Locker at the Ritz-Carlton Bachelor Gultch isn't hot enough.

And truth be told to readers of this fine blog, it isn't. 160 is not enough heat. The room is way too big for 160, too. The benches are low, the ceiling is high. 160 will never do.

But be glad, dear sauna enthusiasts, the Ritz-Carlton has addressed the situation. I went in today to find temps at a much more reasonable 180 and the door fitting tight as a drum. The room is still too big, the benches are still too low, but within ten minutes, I was pouring sweat, and that worked for me.

Thanks, Ritz-Carlton! You've officially got

a GOOD HEAT!

Minutes from LASA 7th Congress

9:20 CA and EH arrive and check in. CA is given locker number 1 + Michael Jordan, EH is given 1 + the unluckiest number in the world.

9:30 First circuits taken. Blistering heat in the Russian Room. CA wins the first swim race, 100m crawl.

9:40 In the second heat, a massive leak from the ceiling is noticed. The bucket catching the water is brackish. The ceiling above is bowed. This isn't good. Conversation turns to the excesses of the advertising industry and EH's inability to successfully plan his life around these excesses.

9:45 Same heat, CA gets into first ever argument with foreign national, an older gentlemen (not Russian) who had been spotted at the 6th congress with the door open waving out the heat. Attempting the same maneuver, CA calls him out, saying, "If it's too hot, sit lower." The old guy counters with "It's not the heat, it's the steam. It's too moist in here." And to this, CA admits he might be wrong. Too much moisture in that room isn't right. So he opens the door for the old bastard and excuses himself to the pool. EH wins the next race, a rematch of the 100m crawl.

10 The third heat is full of Russians. The foreign national complains again to Sergei about the heat, and now it seems like it's the heat that he's complaining about. Sergei claims the guys getting plaitzas wanted more, and they get to call the shots. But then Sergei backtracks, and says he'll open the door for the guy if he wants. And even though this debate is happening in English, neither EH nor CA can really make heads or tails as to what it's about or who's winning.

1030 The Finnish sauna boasts an "improvement:" a rock-panel wall around the sauna oven, unfinished. It looks terrible and seems to serve no real purpose. In talk about this, a long-time patron of City Spa chimes in with some wonderful history. It includes some detail of when the ceiling in the Russian Room was last done (recently) and when the hot tub was redone, and also some facts about an inspection conducted when his family's insurance brokerage was looking into providing for the City Spa. The owner is painted as a nice guy, but who has a misguided way of keeping up facilities. Interesting note: City Spa's recent water bill went from 9K to 30K. Imagine.

11 EH's Mormons are ruining the kids from UTEP, and this brings joy. No rooftop congress called for rain and time purposes, and so a tour of rain-catching buckets is made. There are more than should be reported. EH has a lot of plans for the Game Room, such serious meetings to be held, but such a lacking membership with which to hold them.

11:30 Another heat circuit is taken, and unfortunately the pool is too crowded for racing.

11:45 The day of heat ends with a long cook in the steam room. All is quiet and well.

12:10 CA and EH watch the Mormons stomp the Texans for a time, shower and dismiss the congress at 12:30.

Attended:

CA

EH

Absent with call:

TN

All other members not considered for attendance.

Minutes from the Awaited 6th Congress

Delayed for months, the 6th Congress was finally convened, and it proved to be one of intimidating innovation and all-around freshness.

9:05 EH and CA arrive, enjoying the euphoric effects of the Chalet Harvest, and take a first heat. In the first swim races, EH wins the half lap crawl by a hair. EH proposes a parallel blog to GOOD HEAT called "GOOD TEMPS" or "G TMPS" which is meant to cater to the Twitter/Facebook crowd. The motion passes.

9:15 TN and Initiate Jason arrive and to CA and EH's great surprise (email confusion). A true congress is convened.

9:50 CA prepares for a plaitza to be given by TN and both are given incredible instruction by the Russians. It started with a tall, 50ish patron and then advanced to Sergei, aka, the Bear, chiming in and demonstrating whacks. It's the first real inside information the group has ever received. This is breakthrough territory.

The Russian way to give a plaitza

You need the mat, and the mat needs two sheets. Why two? So you don't miss the feat. Then, right before you lay down, you sprinkle cold water on the sheets. Heaven.

You also need a half bucket of cold water. Also (and we knew this, but it bears mentioning) gloves and a hat. The plaitzee also gets a cold towel over his head.

Then, prime the ovens. As Sergei told TN, "You can't move heat that's not there."

During the plaitza, be sure to turn the broom over frequently to keep it from a) getting too hot and b) drying out.

Then, there are all sorts of moves to do, but the basic is to put the heat into the body and then go up and down just over the skin and move the heat there. There's also the resting of the broom on various parts of the body, there's the light massage, the light touch, the cold water sprinkle, the double barrel, the big beat down, etc.

10 EH wins the second race, the breast stroke lap, by a hand. CA and EH abide in the Nordic sauna, while TN and IJ get some steam and some more big heats.

11 After some more circuitry, TN preps for his plaitza to be given by CA. There are no Russians present to give notes.

1130 Rooftop congress is convened. TN and IJ come through with a cooler full of incredible jugs of cold beer and some fennel slaw, while CA brings half sandos to the table. Debate ranges around VBN offerings, including the Harrison Morris show Pharmacopia, the events of All Hallow's Eve, last evening's alcohol consumption and EH's support of "Everyday Drinking" by Kingsley Amis, CA's prison story (as told by TN), and IJ's deeply unfortunate fear of public waters. This leads to talk of hot tubs, and IJ proposed a notion of Hot Tubsmen. EH took a wrench out his kit bag, gave it and turn, and we were given"Hot Springsmen," a notion considered tempting by all. There is talk about the weakness of the club membership and how that is standing in the way of potential greatness. There is weariness in the voices of CA and EH, but TN is is a bouying presence, and his energy is considered critical to the club.

1250 EH notices a distinct lack of interest by the Russians in college football. After turning the channel to check a score, a half hour later the station would be returned to a Russian soap opera.

1 The final circuits are taken and TN and CA realize that they made a great faux pas in not cleaning up after their respective plaitzas. It's a mistake they'll only make once.

115 The final swim race is judged by IJ. It's meant to be a middle distance race at two and a half laps of breast stroke, but it ends up being a longer spring. EH wins by a forearm.

130 TN shows up in the Nordic sauna wearing a sharp looking suit of clothes. He's there to say goodbye, but quite unintentionally, he winds up making a strong case for the dinner jacket.

2 Congress is adjourned.

ATTENDED

CA

EH

TN + Initiate Jason

ABSENT with reason, but really boring reasons

JS

CB

ABSENT with real questions now being raised about any legitimacy of their intentions and one missed congress away from ending up in the following category.

DN

JN

AG

PERMANENTLY EXPELLED FROM CLUB ROSTER (official letter pending)

Tom Hamling

Death at the Championships

It's unsettling to say the least. This year at the World Sauna Championships in Finland the two finalists, Russian Vladimir Ladyzhenskiy and Finn Timo Kaukonen both literally melted their skin in the 230 hot room.

230's really hot, and I've been in 230, and that's what's scary. But I don't think I've come close to melting my skin. But it's given me a lot to think about.

I guess in the end, the world of the sauna is not meant for competition. It's actually quite the opposite of what it's all about. This is a world of relaxation and restoration. The point is to listen to your body. The point of big heat like that is to touch your limit - not push it to the point of melting skin.

They've called a stop to the Championships, which is the right thing to do. But it probably never should have been started in the first place.

This guy, Rick Reilly, has the best piece on it. He's a former competitor and sports writer for ESPN.

Also, the gruesome photos embedded in Reilly's article of the melted Russian - I'd skip them if I were you.

Century Spa - the end of a boycot

When we last checked in about Century Spa, the Koreatown megaplex with incredible heat and a terrible cruising problem, I think we left it at a letter that read "If you don't deal with this problem I'm never coming back."

Well, that changed when Tom Hamling sent me a gift certificate to the joint. It looks like our July congress is not going to happen due to summer travel plans and this past Monday, I got then yen for some heat. So I grabbed my hat and hoped for the best.

The gift certificate was in Korean, but it looked like it entailed some service. When I arrived, the lady behind the desk said "Body Scrub or Massage." I chose body scrub. I was a little pressed for time, and that procedure took just 30 minutes. Also, I've never had one but have heard good reviews. The Russians do it, the Koreans do it. Now it was my turn.

I took some heat and talked to a one-armed black dude called Lorenza. He was in his late 60s, early 70s, and we formed a bond over the superior quality of heat in the Korean Mist Room. We talked heavy weight boxing and Dallas, Texas. I was off to a good start.

I was fetched by my body scrubber and taken to a back area of three tables. I was instructed to lay ass to the sky and was loofahed by the gentleman for some time. I was turned over and the procedure was repeated on my front.

Now, let's make it clear that I've always been comfortable with nudity. I went to a boys camp where you had to learn to deal with it. I'm glad I did. I'm fine with nudity.

That said, when I get a heat, I take a towel with me. I stay covered when I can, just out of both courtesy and simple modesty. There are gents who walk the grounds totally nude, and that's fine, but I like to play it different.

Now, I was lying totally naked on my back for an extended period of time with a Korean gentleman working me over with a loofah. I was out of my zone. So I came up with some mental images that helped me, and I'll share them with you now in case you ever find yourself in a similar situation.

I pretended I was an ancient warrior, and I pretended my body was a bit less than twice the size it actually is -- I was thinking I was about 9 feet tall, about 300 pounds of pure muscle. I also pretended the Korean gentleman was about half the size he actually was - maybe about 4 feet tall, and 65 pounds. He was working on me before an important battle, purifying my skin and my body before it was awash in blood and horror. This scenario was, of course, animated thusly:

This helped a lot.

Then he washed under my balls, and all I could think was "Wow. You can pay a Korean guy to wash under your balls." I thought about the guy and his family, I thought how his kids might think of him, how I would think of him if I were his kid. Work is work, but taint washing, even if it's only for a second, is a tough nut to swallow. This made me kind of sad, so I went back to the first scenario and felt much better.

I was released and told to sit in the heat for five minutes. We were at about 20 minutes, so I figured I was going to get a top coat and that would be that. But when I returned, I was coated in oil and given a half hour massage. It was a good massage, but again, when I was turned dick-up, I had to fashion my Spirited Away world, which took some energy. But a good massage none-the-less, a far cry from the Korean-lady-walking-on-your-back treatment that I've gotten at this place. When I was again released, an hour had passed and I was going to be well later getting home than I'd informed E.

When I was paying, I looked at the list of services and realized that Tom Hamling had been gifted "Body Scrub / Oil Massage." Neither the "/" nor the "oil" had translated. It had been a surprise, and I was okay with it.

In the end, I think Century is back on the table. You have to pick your times and your spots, but that Mist Room is too good to miss, and $20 is a deal. I'll probably flipflop on this later, but for now, count me in (occasionally).

Minutes from the LASA 5th Congress

Minutes from LASA's A Good 5th Congress

9:30 EH and CA arrive. The guy who works the door in the morning recognizes them and doesn't ask for their names. A huge victory.

9:45 Founder's heat. Sauna at about 215-220. Spirits high in anticipation of USA v Ghana World Cup match. The Russian side is inquired after, and is said to be in disarray, with all the good talent being here in the US. "Here" seems to be said with disgust, even though here is where we are all sitting. Still, the mood is light.

9:50 First swim race: Lap of freestyle, taken by Helin by inches. Second race, length breast stroke, taken by Helin by a foot.

10 In the Finnish room, it's agreed that this heat, the long, even, Scandinavian heat is the day's favorite. Sure, the Russian room is unbeatable on any number of levels, but it's the Finnish heat after the hot room and pool that hits all the notes and forges forgiveness in a man's bones.

10:30 Women's track and field in the locker room gets people excited for the game.

10:45 EH's final heat before his appointment with May. Third swim race, lap breast stoke, Helin wins by inches.

11 TN arrives, CB is three minutes behind. CA and TN take a heat, agree to plaitza each other. A new revolution is formed.

11:20 The revolution comes to pass. TN plaitzas CA with an expert's hand bringing about total revitalization. The Russians are impressed with TN's technique, and tip LASA off to the use of gloves for the plaitza-er.

11:35 CB is deep into the LA Weekly, and he's feeling great about it.

11:40 After a dip in the pool, CA plaitzas TN, who takes an incredible amount of heat into his body via the venik. This is the way the day is supposed to work.

12 CA takes his shift with May, EH returns, hamstrings worked into jelly.

1 Rooftop Luncheon, beet salad, beers, komboocha served. CB makes good on not eating any of it. Rescind letters are again brought up, and this time, DN's name is added to the list of possibles. It's agreed that Rescind Letters should be hand-delivered, and CB offers to hire a PA for the job. A minute into extra time, Ghana takes a 1-2 lead, and holds it. US defeated, but mood at schvitz still light.

1:15 CB begs off.

1:45 Another round of heat, ending in the steam. It's agreed that there's something about the day that has brought LASA members into some of the deepest states of tranquility ever experienced.

2:15 Congress adjourned.

Attended

CA

EH

TN

CB

Absent with Excuse

JS

AG, though this might be the last time, barring continued medical excuse

The orange eating boy, to EH's delight

Absent with a weak "It's complicated...."

DN

Membership Rescinded (letter pending)

TH