Minutes from the 9th Congress

1030 - CA & EH arrive at City Spa and learn that co-ed hours now begin at 2pm. This is deemed acceptable, but also kind of annoying. Mr Eric is recognized by Mario and is pleased, but can't resist trying to be called Helin. Mario takes no notice of this.

1040 - First circuits. The heat is good, and EH is finding that his four month absence from the hot room has lowered his tolerance, but only slightly. As promised, the contents of EH's earthquake kit are reviewed and found to be in good order. The only outstanding item is firepower, and great debate ensues over the merits of handguns, shotguns, nunchucks, close-combat and the reality of different disaster scenarios.

1050 - A dip in the pool and both men aren't yet ready to race. Taking this one slowly.

11 - A long, Finnish heat in which is discussed swamp coolers, the soaring price of window treatments, and the potential of a series of shorts penned by EH called "Notes for My Maid." CA attaches himself to the project.

1125 - The first and only race of the day. 50m breast stroke. Winner EH by an arm.

1135 - Conditions on the roof are observed and found to be pleasant enough for a short pre-lunch sun. The Enterprise Room at the Vegas Hilton is detailed. It's agreed that three balds licking some sort of tinctured serum off the backs of their hands is worthy of zooming the spy cams in on, but not worthy of action by the security guards. It's also agreed that the end of the American empire could be well established with a long camera pull starting at the steel, talking enterprise urinals, continuing through the Enterprise Room, the Hilton, the street, Las Vegas, and so on.

1150 - Another circuit. Clean, forgiving.

1230 - Rooftop lunch of sandwiches from the Mustard Seed and Arrogant Bastard beers. Full sun and a light breeze make conditions perfect. CA wonders how the transition from ed to co-ed will be made, propose an employee with vague and unpleasant hand gestures to come through saying, "Shorts, guys. Get em on. Don't have em? Gotta go." The voice is crucial to the impact of this character. CA details a horrible Craigslist advertising experience, but per his preference, finds a happy(ish) ending for the story.

115 - The last circuits taken. Finnish, pool, steam.

2 - Congress convened, considered extremely successful.

Minutes from the 8th Congress

9am CA arrives, referred to as Mr Allen by Mario. The day begins wonderfully.

905 TN arrives. The membership is, sadly, completely convened. TN and CA discuss forgotten impliments. TN forgot his new hat, CA forgot his new gloves. TN borrows a hat and the men head to the heat.

915 First circuits. TN finds he has to "sneak up on the heat" in short increments. The present Russians estimate the heat at about 200-210. "Not so hot." Wednesday apparently is the day to come if you like it hot. 250 they say. Sounds impossible to this Saunamen, as you may remember that men were literally melting skin at 230 at last years' Championships, but the Russians say Wednesday, you get 250.

945 CA enters debate with friendly Russian as to the greatness of America. It's agreed that though America has its problems, the country is founded on strong principals and is, indeed, great.

1030 CA gives TN a plaitza, and gloveless, rips his hands to shreds. (See above post)

1050 TN gives CA a plaitza. Observing Russians order TN to beat CA "like it's 1560 Europe and he has just claimed that God does not exist."

11 Pooltime plaitza reviews: CA and TN agree they might have used too much water on the brooms, which both made them heavy and unwieldy as well as put too much moisture into the air in the hot room. Otherwise, the men are satisfied, except for the fact that CA has literally ripped skin off his hands in this process.

11:15 CA gets Bennington updates from TN in the steam room, and it's agreed that those motherfuckers under-use their diplomas in such a manner as to cause anger.

11:30 TN bids farewell and CA retires to the sundeck on a perfect 75 degree day to eat delicious sweet potato cakes with spiced yogurt and play a $600 ukulele with professional skill and style.

12:15 CA takes a final heat in the Finnish room, and is dismayed by the so-called "Melted Man" who is often present at City Spa. This is an older Jew, possibly Russian, who stands about 5 foot 3 and moves slowly through the spa and keeps to himself. Though thoroughly unpleasant to look at, Melted Man has never caused incident, until now, when CA in a deep state of bliss had to listen to him spit in the Finnish Sauna. Not big hawks, but more like he had sesame seeds stuck on his tongue and was getting rid of them one by one. After four of these, CA looked up and tried to meet Melted Mans eyes for a disapproving glower, but Melted Man was eyes down the whole time. Evidence of the spit could not be seen, and it was guess that Melted Man was actually spitting somewhere on his own disgusting body.

12:45 CA takes leave and the Congress (can it be called that?) is recessed.

Bad News from the Ritz Carlton

Went for a heat after my swim yesterday and the sauna was at 155. 155! I threw some water on the rocks, but it was futile. I made for the steam room, which is a fine way to soothe tired muscles, but as we all know doesn't invigorate like a nice sauna.

I had two too many beers last night, and at this altitude (7500'), that's a problem. I'd love to head down to the sauna and sweat that out, but what happens if I get there and they're posting 155 again? In this situation, a steam is the absolute wrong way to go. I'd just boil that booze inside my body.

I'm really in the thick of it here, guys. Letters of support appreciated.

Good News from the Ritz-Carlton

It's often joked that your friend Clay has one of the best of the "White Man's Problems," a phenomenon recognized and named by LASA member EH as being so ultimately inconsequential but nevertheless complained about. Mine is that the sauna in the Gentleman's Locker at the Ritz-Carlton Bachelor Gultch isn't hot enough.

And truth be told to readers of this fine blog, it isn't. 160 is not enough heat. The room is way too big for 160, too. The benches are low, the ceiling is high. 160 will never do.

But be glad, dear sauna enthusiasts, the Ritz-Carlton has addressed the situation. I went in today to find temps at a much more reasonable 180 and the door fitting tight as a drum. The room is still too big, the benches are still too low, but within ten minutes, I was pouring sweat, and that worked for me.

Thanks, Ritz-Carlton! You've officially got

a GOOD HEAT!

Minutes from LASA 7th Congress

9:20 CA and EH arrive and check in. CA is given locker number 1 + Michael Jordan, EH is given 1 + the unluckiest number in the world.

9:30 First circuits taken. Blistering heat in the Russian Room. CA wins the first swim race, 100m crawl.

9:40 In the second heat, a massive leak from the ceiling is noticed. The bucket catching the water is brackish. The ceiling above is bowed. This isn't good. Conversation turns to the excesses of the advertising industry and EH's inability to successfully plan his life around these excesses.

9:45 Same heat, CA gets into first ever argument with foreign national, an older gentlemen (not Russian) who had been spotted at the 6th congress with the door open waving out the heat. Attempting the same maneuver, CA calls him out, saying, "If it's too hot, sit lower." The old guy counters with "It's not the heat, it's the steam. It's too moist in here." And to this, CA admits he might be wrong. Too much moisture in that room isn't right. So he opens the door for the old bastard and excuses himself to the pool. EH wins the next race, a rematch of the 100m crawl.

10 The third heat is full of Russians. The foreign national complains again to Sergei about the heat, and now it seems like it's the heat that he's complaining about. Sergei claims the guys getting plaitzas wanted more, and they get to call the shots. But then Sergei backtracks, and says he'll open the door for the guy if he wants. And even though this debate is happening in English, neither EH nor CA can really make heads or tails as to what it's about or who's winning.

1030 The Finnish sauna boasts an "improvement:" a rock-panel wall around the sauna oven, unfinished. It looks terrible and seems to serve no real purpose. In talk about this, a long-time patron of City Spa chimes in with some wonderful history. It includes some detail of when the ceiling in the Russian Room was last done (recently) and when the hot tub was redone, and also some facts about an inspection conducted when his family's insurance brokerage was looking into providing for the City Spa. The owner is painted as a nice guy, but who has a misguided way of keeping up facilities. Interesting note: City Spa's recent water bill went from 9K to 30K. Imagine.

11 EH's Mormons are ruining the kids from UTEP, and this brings joy. No rooftop congress called for rain and time purposes, and so a tour of rain-catching buckets is made. There are more than should be reported. EH has a lot of plans for the Game Room, such serious meetings to be held, but such a lacking membership with which to hold them.

11:30 Another heat circuit is taken, and unfortunately the pool is too crowded for racing.

11:45 The day of heat ends with a long cook in the steam room. All is quiet and well.

12:10 CA and EH watch the Mormons stomp the Texans for a time, shower and dismiss the congress at 12:30.

Attended:

CA

EH

Absent with call:

TN

All other members not considered for attendance.

Minutes from the Awaited 6th Congress

Delayed for months, the 6th Congress was finally convened, and it proved to be one of intimidating innovation and all-around freshness.

9:05 EH and CA arrive, enjoying the euphoric effects of the Chalet Harvest, and take a first heat. In the first swim races, EH wins the half lap crawl by a hair. EH proposes a parallel blog to GOOD HEAT called "GOOD TEMPS" or "G TMPS" which is meant to cater to the Twitter/Facebook crowd. The motion passes.

9:15 TN and Initiate Jason arrive and to CA and EH's great surprise (email confusion). A true congress is convened.

9:50 CA prepares for a plaitza to be given by TN and both are given incredible instruction by the Russians. It started with a tall, 50ish patron and then advanced to Sergei, aka, the Bear, chiming in and demonstrating whacks. It's the first real inside information the group has ever received. This is breakthrough territory.

The Russian way to give a plaitza

You need the mat, and the mat needs two sheets. Why two? So you don't miss the feat. Then, right before you lay down, you sprinkle cold water on the sheets. Heaven.

You also need a half bucket of cold water. Also (and we knew this, but it bears mentioning) gloves and a hat. The plaitzee also gets a cold towel over his head.

Then, prime the ovens. As Sergei told TN, "You can't move heat that's not there."

During the plaitza, be sure to turn the broom over frequently to keep it from a) getting too hot and b) drying out.

Then, there are all sorts of moves to do, but the basic is to put the heat into the body and then go up and down just over the skin and move the heat there. There's also the resting of the broom on various parts of the body, there's the light massage, the light touch, the cold water sprinkle, the double barrel, the big beat down, etc.

10 EH wins the second race, the breast stroke lap, by a hand. CA and EH abide in the Nordic sauna, while TN and IJ get some steam and some more big heats.

11 After some more circuitry, TN preps for his plaitza to be given by CA. There are no Russians present to give notes.

1130 Rooftop congress is convened. TN and IJ come through with a cooler full of incredible jugs of cold beer and some fennel slaw, while CA brings half sandos to the table. Debate ranges around VBN offerings, including the Harrison Morris show Pharmacopia, the events of All Hallow's Eve, last evening's alcohol consumption and EH's support of "Everyday Drinking" by Kingsley Amis, CA's prison story (as told by TN), and IJ's deeply unfortunate fear of public waters. This leads to talk of hot tubs, and IJ proposed a notion of Hot Tubsmen. EH took a wrench out his kit bag, gave it and turn, and we were given"Hot Springsmen," a notion considered tempting by all. There is talk about the weakness of the club membership and how that is standing in the way of potential greatness. There is weariness in the voices of CA and EH, but TN is is a bouying presence, and his energy is considered critical to the club.

1250 EH notices a distinct lack of interest by the Russians in college football. After turning the channel to check a score, a half hour later the station would be returned to a Russian soap opera.

1 The final circuits are taken and TN and CA realize that they made a great faux pas in not cleaning up after their respective plaitzas. It's a mistake they'll only make once.

115 The final swim race is judged by IJ. It's meant to be a middle distance race at two and a half laps of breast stroke, but it ends up being a longer spring. EH wins by a forearm.

130 TN shows up in the Nordic sauna wearing a sharp looking suit of clothes. He's there to say goodbye, but quite unintentionally, he winds up making a strong case for the dinner jacket.

2 Congress is adjourned.

ATTENDED

CA

EH

TN + Initiate Jason

ABSENT with reason, but really boring reasons

JS

CB

ABSENT with real questions now being raised about any legitimacy of their intentions and one missed congress away from ending up in the following category.

DN

JN

AG

PERMANENTLY EXPELLED FROM CLUB ROSTER (official letter pending)

Tom Hamling

Death at the Championships

It's unsettling to say the least. This year at the World Sauna Championships in Finland the two finalists, Russian Vladimir Ladyzhenskiy and Finn Timo Kaukonen both literally melted their skin in the 230 hot room.

230's really hot, and I've been in 230, and that's what's scary. But I don't think I've come close to melting my skin. But it's given me a lot to think about.

I guess in the end, the world of the sauna is not meant for competition. It's actually quite the opposite of what it's all about. This is a world of relaxation and restoration. The point is to listen to your body. The point of big heat like that is to touch your limit - not push it to the point of melting skin.

They've called a stop to the Championships, which is the right thing to do. But it probably never should have been started in the first place.

This guy, Rick Reilly, has the best piece on it. He's a former competitor and sports writer for ESPN.

Also, the gruesome photos embedded in Reilly's article of the melted Russian - I'd skip them if I were you.