Big day? Heat required.

So it's a big day for me today. Off-topic, but I'm directing a music video for HBO tonight, and I'm in charge of a lot of people at a sketchy location. The pressure is on, but I'm feeling good about it.

Needless to say, I'm going to find a heat today. No question about it. Luckily, we're shooting near the oft-touted Finnish Baths in Sherman Oaks (they aren't paying me to plug them all the time on this blog...yet). So trust that I'm going to find a heat before the shoot. And probably five or six after we wrap. Next week is going to be all about heat.

But there are big events in ones life before which a heat MUST be scheduled. A brief list:

Wedding

Quite obvious, but very necessary. Before my wedding, my groomsmen and I hit the now defunct Division Street Baths in Chicago. A memory I'll never loose.

Birth O'Child

For men only, of course. And while our first child is still about four months away, I know that in the week or so before it's due to arrive, I'm going to take my last heat as a solely independent man of the world. And after that kid comes, it will look forward to a lifetime of heat.

Loss/Gain of a Job

Troubled times in the economy, out there. A lot of folks transitioning what they're doing for dough. But all good sweatsmen know it's not what you do for a living that defines who you are. This becomes ever more clear as all the liquid in you body comes out through your skin. So if you find you're losing touch with that reality, I'll meet you in the schvitz.

Death in the Family

I think I might have already written about this, but I can't tell you what a relief it was to see Tony D when I went back earlier in the year to clean out my old man's apartment after his sudden death. I took the train down to the city, the snow was coming down as though it wanted to white out the world and never see it again. I felt like a jazz man in 1933 heading to Kansas City in the middle of winter to play a gig for $5. And I get off the train, just emotionally exhausted and beaten, and there's Tony D with a cup of joe and a jazz cigarette and wheels to take us to the Chicago Sweat Lodge. Two hours in that hot heaven and all was right with the world again.

So today, I think I'm going in on the Gain of a Job reason. Because directing is the gain of a job, and I need a clear head for it, and where else am I going to find a clear head but in the heat.

See you there. I'll be the guy in the shopka.

I Learned Three Things About Saunas from a Fin

I stole a quick heat at the Finnish Baths the other day and met a Finnish gentlemen there. It's kind of like meeting a porn star in Van Nuys -- you know they're there somewhere, but you never expect to see one.

Anyway, I picked his brain about saunas and schvitsmenship and he gave to me these lessons three:

1. A sauna oven needs its rocks changed regularly or else they loose their ability to hold heat effectively. 

I asked a follow up: How often? He said, "A place like this? Every three months."

Now, I've been in a lot of heat houses and I don't see them changing their rocks but hardly ever, and by hardly ever, I mean never. Especially in the Russian furnaces. Granted, those tend to be bigger rocks, but if this guy is right and rocks loose their ability to hold heat after a while, this would apply to these rocks as well.

But I wonder what exactly changes in the composition of a rock? It's not like something's burning off...is it? 

Here's an internet opinion:

Each heating of a sauna rock equals thousands of years of natural erosion. Only the strongest rocks can survive constant heating and cooling, and even they will eventually crack and crumble. When this occurs, they lose their capacity to hold heat and in time they disintegrate and clog the [oven].

But every three months? Just on principal? Sans crumblage? Finnish or no, I doubt this one.

2. All modern apartment complexes in Finland are being outfitted with saunas.

This, indeed, is something to boast about. But is it true? Seems to be, at least, according to the internet I get at my house.

3. If you build your own sauna, you need a sealant on the back of the wood to protect the surrounding concrete or whatever from moisture.

That I believe without need of an internet search.

Thanks, my new Finnish friend!

Castor Oil as a topical?

Met a gentleman at Century on my last visit who said a doctor friend of his advised him to use castor oil topically in the radiant floor sauna. A small coating of oil all over his body and then a light heat. He said that it expels toxins, and there are visible results.

I've never heard of such a thing, but be sure that I'll try it and get back to you on it directly.

Shower Shoes

A lot of first timers to the schvitz want to know what to bring. "Do I need a swim suit? A towel?" The answer is no.

All you ever really need to bring to a bania is a pair of shower shoes.

I prefer the thong type flip flop (mine are actually white and branded by VeeV liquors) but any will do. Be aware that in some urban schivtizs, the popular Okabashi-style sandal may be recognized as a "prison slip," short for "prison slipper."

As you grow in your enjoyment of the sauna, so too will your list of equipment. Your out the door checklist may look something like this:

• Sauna hat
• Leaf-broom
• Bucket
• Robe
• Shower shoes
• Shaving kit
  
• Jojoba or Almond Oil
• Jazz cigarette

But the point is all you really need are the shoes.

Heat and Fellowship

I recently enjoyed a second trip to the Finnish Baths in Sherman Oaks. It's just too affordable, too historic and too nice of a heat to pass up. Sherman Oaks also happens to be the valley-town where I teach my ukulele class, so I'm out there anyway. How could I not budget an extra hour and a half for a stretch of heat?

On this second visit, I invited one of my ukulele students, Aaron Goffman. Now, ukulele folks are off-beat by nature. But not in a wacky "I need attention" sort of way. These are earnest men and women, lovers of music who have never before been able to play an instrument. They've chosen the humble ukulele because it's relatively easy. In group environments, they are warm and supportive. But it's like any elective adult education -- inherently weird.

Aaron Goffman is one of the most normal people in there. He works in the film industry in the props department, and is married to a lovely Colombian woman named Jeaneth. Aaron took private lessons from me for a while, but I never really got to know him too well on a personal level. We mostly just talked about ukulele, and sometimes, this is weird for me. I like ukulele. I've played for ten years now. But it's such a small part of my life that to have a whole world that gravitates around it doesn't always make sense. And as lovely as a human Aaron Goffman is, he's in a constellation that is bizarre to me.

I would imagine this plight is familiar to yoga teachers, blimp and hot-air balloon pilots, platform divers, successful podcasters, letterers of graphic novels, and Vespa owners. Summed up, subcultures are strange beasts.

So I was a little nervous to meet Goffman at the schvitz. Would there be some awkwardness? Would he be uncomfortable with the nudity involved? Would we find something to talk about?

I entered the men's and found Goffman in the showers, which I passed by on my way to stoke up the sauna (see review on Finnish Baths). Said hello and asked, "Everything okay? Are you comfortable?" He said, "I am." And the rest of the heat was great. We got in there and both opened right up, telling each other things the other had no idea about. I was surprised to learn that Goffman had been married for more than 20 years before he met Jeaneth, and at 48, was a grandfather. It was easy talking and great times between gentlemen.

And I say it's a testament to the culture of the sauna that this is the result. It's not like other subcultures where it's competitive and exclusionary. There can be no posturing with the heat. Instead, it encourages real camaraderie and compassion. It's why strangers are so easy to talk to in the heat. And if you're kind-of-friends with someone, like I was with Goffman, you take a heat together and find a million ways to be brothers.

So I say, find a schivtz, grab an acquaintance, and make a friend.

Avoiding Cruisers

So you want to get a good heat, but you're rattled from a run-in at the Y. Everything was going great: You had a finely beaded sweat happening, your heart-rate was up, and things were getting real. Then you look over and see the dude in the corner look away from you quickly, and also he's semi-erect.

How did this happen? And more importantly, what do you do?

Okay. This is unsavory business, but it must be dealt with, so let's get in to it. 

Allow me to start with a disclaimer. I welcome all gentlemen to the sauna (and will welcome women (my wife) as well (when I have my own sauna under the avocado tree out front)). The whole point of a good heat is the inclusiveness of it -- the brotherhood of man as he prepares for battle with these ancient, sacred methods. So I repeat: all gentlemen are welcome.

However, there are dudes who like to use the sauna as a research and even a business environment. This is a subculture within the homosexual community, it's been around for years, and in the proper environment, I say there's nothing wrong with it.

For those dudes who want the cruising experience, there are venues clearly dedicated to this kind of activity. A quick internet search for "Gay Bath house" will reveal the options in your area. On behalf of all gentlemen who just want to sweat in peace, please, avoid the legitimate bania or sauna and go to a designated location instead.

Alas, I know my plea will be ignored, and so to gentlemen who want to avoid cruisers in the schvitz, here's what you have to do.

PICK YOUR SPOTS: Dudes can be easily avoided by going to legit heat operations. These are easy to indetify.

Go where the Russians, Ukrainians and other eastern Europeans go. You can call and ask the desk -- they'll give you an idea of the clientele.

Go to spots that cost more that $20 to get in. Dudes are looking for a cheap thrill as opposed to a good heat, and a good heat is always worth the price.

Go on weekends and when crowds are high.

RESEARCH: This is crucial if you're going to a new sweat location, but can also allow you to return to places where you've had an unpleasant experience with a dude.

You'll need to bite the bullet and do a quick search on the Craigslist in your area. You're not going to like it, but you're going to have to go to Personals, Men Seeking Men, and do a search for "spa" "sauna" or whatever the name of your location is. If there's going to be "activity," you're probably going to know about it here first. Now you can choose to ignore the place altogether, or, you can check again and go on a day or at a time when activity is lower.

Again, this is also a good way to find an angle on returning to an otherwise spoiled spot.

Example: Here in Los Angeles, certain Korean spas were, for some reason, chosen by cruisers as a place to do business. It's unfortunate, because a favorite K-town spot of mine had a lovely and unusual amenity -- a radiant heat floor. You'd lie down and soak in a nice, gentle heat directly on the back -- perfect for spot treating problem areas after a good sweat in the sauna. But unfortunately, this was prime real estate for dudes who wanted to "present," and therefore it made it practically unusable. 

But the heat at this place is good, and that floor really does wonders for my back. So what I do is check Craigslist and if it looks like the place is going to be crowded with dudes, I skip it. But if I don't see any posts (or have checked enough to be savvy of the schedule), I go and find the place full only with Korean gentlemen, who are not too chatty and love a good steam heat.

(Note: the schivtz to which I'm referring has recently been remodeled, and on Craigslist I noted a post: Century Spa: RIP. Success!)

(Second note: If you're too squeamish to go on Craigslist in the Men Seeking Men category, then you're probably too squeamish to enjoy a good heat. Just relax, already. We're all gentlemen, here.)

DISSUADE: So, even with the best of research, you might find yourself facing a dude on the make. This is how you end it fast and final.

Leave -- This is the most obvious option, but also the one that I use the least. I paid for my heat, I'm following the rules, I'm in the right. It's not me that should have to go anywhere.

However, if it's just too uncomfortable, go rinse off and wait for the dude to get out of the heat. Your walking away should be enough to let him know that you're not interested in defiling the heat with the kind of behavior.

Speak up -- If you call these dudes out to their face, they'll get super embarrassed and leave quickly. I did this only once, when a guy with a wedding ring asked me "If I wanted to do this" as he was touching himself. I said, "NO. Jesus! Does your wife know you do this?" He flew out of that sauna.

That was more that I might have said if not directly engaged. But I've said simply, "No" to eye contact that's made me uncomfortable. That was enough to make a dude go away.

Wear a Sauna Hat -- If not for the myriad reasons listed in the previous post, a sauna cap is a clear sign to cruisers that you're not there for show. You're serious about the heat. It also implies that you're possibly Russian, and thus possibly very homophobic and capable of Russian-style violence. (Note: If any Russians care to argue that they are - by and large - accepting of people different from them, it's a debate I'd love to have in any bania.)

Make Talk -- A lot of times, it's hard to tell if a dude is checking you out. You're like, "This old dude sure is smiley at me." You don't exactly know what's going on, but you don't want it to get any creepier. Start a conversation. Talk about the heat. Talk about sports, the weather, anything. Control the situation and establish yourself as a gentlemen who uses the sauna in an acceptable way.

And there you have it. Remember that dudes are just misguided gentlemen and that they're trying to share what they consider to be a positive experience. It has nothing to do with you, and it's pretty easy to keep it that way.

The Sauna Hat

At any bania, bath house or sauna worth it's salt, you'll find folks wearing some manner of sauna hat. These are generally conical shaped hats made of wool, although it can be any sort of covering of the head.

Was that a chuckle I heard? You think wearing a cap in a sauna is too embarrassing because none of the other guys at the gym do it? Feh. If you're not going to take this serious, you might as well get your heat in your mom's jacuzzi bathtub then and leave space on the bench for a real sweatsmen. The cap is a crucial element to getting a good heat.

As we know, the basic idea of a sauna is to create heat in the body to stimulate organs and release toxins. And as we know, this feels like total forgiveness and freedom. Except in one organ: the brain.

Maybe you've felt like this before: You've got a good sweat going and you're deep into it. But you're starting to get a headache, and you're a little wobbly on your feet. There's a metallic taste in your mouth and you feel nauseous.

And my guess is you're not wearing a sauna cap and you've baked your brain like a three-cheese lasagna.

It happens, and it's a detriment to the enjoyment of a good heat. They know this in India, they've known it for years. They take their heat with their heads outside of the sauna. Note the wee head hole in this traditional, Ayurevic sauna cabinet.

Also, the head had more capillaries per square centimeter than other other part of the body. (If there are any medical doctors reading this who care to debate this fact, let's get in to it. I will not be intimidated by you.) Capillaries are particularly taxed by heat, and over-exposing them to high temperatures can do real damage.

You have probably been advised in the past that following your exposure to heat, you should wait an equal amount of time before you return (10 minutes in the sauna means 10 minutes of cooling down). This is to allow your capillaries to recover.

The theory behind the sauna hat is that it provides a barrier between the heat and your head, so that the sweat you produce actually has a chance to evaporate and cool the air in the cap. So the cap has to be pretty thick while at the same time allowing some air to circulate.

Caps are generally made out of wool felt, which is both thick and somehow very cool in the sauna. (Physicists, please feel free to weigh in here. I welcome and respect your knowledge and defer to you at every turn with humility and honor.) These are the kinds that you see the Russians and Finns wearing, as is pictured above.

I've also seen gentlemen wearing terry cloth, cotton and even baseball hats soaked in water. These won't work quite as well, as they don't provide enough space for air to cool and keep the head at an even temperature, but it's better than boiling your brains.

These caps are generally available at the front desk for about $20, or you can pick one up off the internet for five dollars less. They can simply be rinsed and air dried after your heat, and should last a lifetime. Remember to buy your hat before you go into the sauna, and not on your way out when you've admitted that I'm right. Make the investment, and enjoy!