Minutes from the LASA 4th Congress: Founder's Day

LASA 4th Congress, May 29, 2010

9:45 - CB phones EH to beg off the congress for sickness. CA and EH agree that CB has made a terrible mistake, and that without the assistance of the heat, his piss-pot immune system will keep that head cold rattling around for two weeks. A terrible mistake, but one that leads to a Founder's Day congress, which is concluded to be a good thing.

10:05 - First heat taken, and the heat is blistering. No thermometer in the hot room, but heat must be at least 230, likely higher.

10:15 - First (and only) swim race conducted, a 1-length breast stroke, in which CA does better than he usually does but still loses.

10:50 - After completion of a full circuit, CA and EH return to the hot room for the first ever LASA plaitza. Two brooms, two buddies, two-hundred and thirty degrees of heat. CA dons EH's hat and gets to work. The plaitza, by Russian standards, is short, but gets to the point. EH pools off and heads up for his massage. The Russians, now in attendance, all comment that the hot room is hot as shit. Which means it might be closer to 240. Imagine that. 2 fucking 40.

11 - EH takes his massage.

11 - CA talks with smallest, swarthy-est Russian and gets a line on brooms. A promise is made of a New York phone number.

11:05 - After pooling off, CA literally hallucinates from the heat. The walls move with the waves in the pool. Things seem connected and good.

11:25 - CA discovers the roof deck has been recarpeted successfully.

11:55 - EH emerges from the massage rooms revitalized and hits the hot rooms. CA takes his massage.

12:20 - EH takes a a long, nude sunbath, rejoicing in the absence of cyclists present to scrutinize his ball bag.

12:40 - EH witnesses 10 year old Russian boy peeling and eating an orange in the hot room.

1 - CA emerges from his massage to find EH completing an epic circuit. Both men have been reborn. They convene on the roof deck for lunch.

1:10 - Founder's Day Rooftop Banquet

Served: couscous, pea, asparagus salad, chips and salsa, beer.

The merits of Mae's massage technique are reviewed. It's agreed that her firm, deep tissue technique in concert with her easy-going and guileless approach is well worth the money and time.

DN is again lambasted for his "Bartmen O'Leary: Revengefest" shirt, and not being there to defend himself, it's agreed that the design is confusing at best.

Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth" is discussed and nominated for a Pro's Only Book Club. The nomination is passed.

The Russian contingency is envied for their consistent numbers (9-12) and their multigenerational approach. The small, swarthy one takes a picture of the oldest, brownest Russian sunbathing nude but for a wide straw hat.

JS's cryptic reasons for absence are discussed hesitantly.

1:50 - CA's time gets unfortunately budgeted, and a final steam is taken. DN is again maligned, this time for dropping the ball on getting LASA patches.

2:15 - Founder's Day congress recessed, and with great joy it's discovered that paying for an hour massage reduces the entry fee to $10.

Attended

CA

EH

Absent with excuse

AG

TN

JN

Absent on bullshit

DN

CB

Absent on weirdness

JS

Minutes from the Third Congress

10: CB, TN and brother/initiate JN sign in and make first circuit.

1040: EH and CA sign in. CA buys broom and gets same deal EH did. Both become heavily engaged in conversation by a widowed Old Timer. CB claims to have also been so engaged, and it's agreed that though annoying, this circumstance is mostly just sad.

10:55: Swimming race between CA and EH, 1 length, crawl. Winner, CA.

11: JS and guest sign in and find Saunamen in the cedar. JS continues practice of funneling cycling enthusiasts into bania. Agreed that today’s funneling is more successful than last. JS does right thing by showing guest the proper first circuit. The cleanliness of DN's car is considered and unanimously voted "gross."

11:30: Sundeck is taken. No commissary services and restaurant closed in observation of the Armenian Genocide. It is agreed that Saunamen of ill-standing (namely, TH and JJ) should be issued letters rescinding the offer of membership. This letter should be no less than two pages and printed with full color letterhead.

11:35: JS wonders if Armenian Genocide is happening once more.

11:45: Merits of Palm Springs discussed. CA finds it hard to relax in a modern desert oasis, unaware or unconcerned that he’s currently sitting in one.

12:15: Some light exploration of the facilities with JS's guest reveals the Bullshit Room to have both a piano, flat screen television and several comfortable chairs. It's undecided as to what this room will be used for, only that it will be used in the future.

12:20: Another full circuit. Swim race between CA and EH, 1 lap, crawl then breast, Winner EH.

1:15: CB departs to see Icelandic songstress Emiliana Torrini. At a house. In the middle of the afternoon. Oddly, no disparaging remarks made in regards to this.

1:45: Final wind downs in the steam.

2:15: Congress adjourned.